{random thursday} my dream home...

Welcome to another Random Thursday...it's hosted by Em, Sarah, and Lin {LOVE Lin - she is an amazing person}. Anyway, so glad it's almost the weekend...definitively looking forward to the weekend. This week's topic is...

It's fascinating to me...especially since I'm trying to make my current home {notice I said home not house - I know I'm shocked by that too} into my dream home...I will post some plans/pictures of it soon...but for now...here are some insanely extravagant and sometimes simple ideas I want for my real dream home if money was no object...also, I may have gotten carried away...


Stairs...

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kitchen...

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living room...

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bedrooms...

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bathrooms...

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closet...

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library...

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mudroom...

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outdoors...

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random details...

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Mother's Day - last year vs this year...

I wrote this last year...

Mother's Day...

I realized yesterday that next sunday is mother's day. It has been such a hard day for me and I am not sure how many people even realize that.

Last year for Mother's Day I was left unacknowledged by everyone...it's hard because even though I don't have a baby on this earth I am still a mother. My two (?) babies in heaven plus being a mother to my siblings make me feel like a mom.

This year I will be in Tiny Town Mother's Day morning with my sister and friends...I think that this year I will be ok. For the first time in a while, I have a new outlook on life. I am trying not to dwell on the past. I am looking forward to a future full of happiness...I am tired of crying for things I have lost. I am instead hopeful for things that are to come.

A new life. A happy life. A life that I get to choose. A future that is full of unlimited possibilities.

I don't know if I will ever be a "mother" the way society deems, but it's ok. I know I am one in my heart and that is enough for me now. I am tired of having to feel like people have to acknowledge something in order for it to be true. No more. I am what I am and I don't care if people don't "get" me. I do and that is all that matters.


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This year, the pain hit me harder than it did last year. Monday driving into work I started thinking about how I should have a 2 year old...how I should have a family. I have been crying. This YEAR has been full of crying for my past, my present and my future. I don't know where I will end up. What I'll be doing. Who I will be sharing my life with.

My sister took off the whole weekend to spend it with me...last year my friend's made a special mother's day meal {which will happen this year too} and my sister and her now ex-boyfriend got me a Mother's Day cookie...it was a special day. I am hoping this year will be close to the same. Last year was the first one I ever felt like I was being honored as a mom...and my sister wants to make sure I am again...which I'm so grateful for.

I am not a mom in the conventional way...I may never be...but I have helped raise 3  of my siblings and have angel babies who have always had a special place in my heart...I will celebrate me...even if no one else does. 

10 on Tuesday...

1. Disappearance

Yes, my blog disappeared for a while...had messed with some settings and didn't realize it was gone...no one noticed or mentioned it...so it makes me wonder...haha

2. Books 

Had an amazing geeky time the Texas Library Association conference in Fort Worth...wanna read all about it? It includes me obsessing over authors, lots of books, fun times and crazy ass texts. Go to my book blog and check it out! Oh, if you want to start book blogging but don't really know how to start, please email me...I'm looking for a co-blogger{s} for Nuttier Reads {which will be rebranded soon}. 

3. Author Obsessions

All signed books from TXLA :) 

Clearly I'm obsessed with David Levithan...the awesomely cute John Corey Whaley, Maureen Johnson, Laini Taylor, Amy Clipston {who is the one I have yet to meet <insert sad face>, John Green, Jodi Meadows {also have yet to meet}. I am thankful we have some amazing author signings to keep my obsessions/stalking going. I met so many new authors to obsess over...beware. Haha

4. Weddings

I shot my first wedding last Sunday...it was incredibly amazing, scary and successful. Cannot wait to shoot more {you can check them all out my NEW website {click on the bottom right image - still working on this page} for my photography business - I know I'm in SHOCK too}. 

5. Friends

Lots of crap has gone down lately with IRL friends and online friends. It's hard to know what to believe anymore. I had people who were my BFFs who seem to have dropped off the planet and others who pop up and support me no matter when or what it is...even those who IRL who get mad at me, we talk and then it's over and friendship repaired. I will say it's hard to know who to trust and who to want to hang out with. I have a new mantra. Only hang out with people who make me happy. Who keep me from spiraling into a dark place. 

6. Writing

Research for my book...

I have a new idea for a book which will be epic. God placed the right people in my life at the right time at TXLA to help reassure me that I need to write this. I had thought about focusing on my memoir book, but I am trying to decide what direction I want that in and this will be a GREAT book full of intrigue, suspense, lies, and who knows what else. I am hella excited about it and have been doing a TON of research and about to lay out an outline. 

7. Liepshin

Love at first sight :) 

My sweet girl now has a boyfriend. It's precious and she has missed him this week. My awesome work friend watched her while I was at TXLA and she snuggled with him, played with him, followed him around and even ate on day one {which is soooooo not her ever}. I will definitely be bringing her over for visits so they can date. How sad is it when two fixed dogs have a better dating light than I do? Sigh.

8. Beverly Hills 90210

The old school version has been my show of choice these days...I'm up to their Junior year in college...some great characters, Val, Kelly {as a model snob}, David, Dylan and his love for Toni {swoon}, Collin...but I have to admit the amount of music cut out disappoints me. Plus I find it so comical how many boom mikes I see in every episode. But oh the show does take me back...I think next I will rewatch Felicity {but I still have quite a few seasons to go haha}. 

9. Rebranding

Will be working next on a landing page for me...a site for tillienicole.com since that is me now. I need to decide what to rename my blog since {a nuttier life} is so not me anymore. It'll link to a design work site {print and web graphics}, my photography site and a new blog. Thinking my new/old blog will focus on fashion for the plus size fashionista, all my favorite things, cute doxie posts, book love and me. The new me. Any ideas on what you want to know more about, please share. 

10. Photography

holy crap it's real...

New design software, new lenses, new camera. This is getting real people. I am working on my business/pricing plans right now. I am willing to travel...would love to travel the world to capture people's special memories. 

www.tillienicolephotography.com

THIS is happening...

My photography website is real people...its live and there may be some little things I need/want to fix, but I had to put it out there now! I'm ready to make something of my photography business! I'm super excited...go take a look!

www.tillienicolephotography.com

my favorite things...

so, my bff had created a list of her favorite things forever ago for her planner...I decided to make one myself because, well, maybe someone needs ideas to buy me something awesome {a girl can dream right?}...

My Favorite Things {in no particular order}

• Liepshin
• sharpies
• books
• dachshunds
• journals
• Apple
• The Amish
• God
• bikram yoga
• swimming
• glitter
• butterflies
• wine
• good food
• tea (hot & sweet)
• dark chocolate
• Sarah
• Texas
• Phish Food
• crocheted blankets
• Friday Night Lights
• me :)
• Dom
• Denver
• Devon
• Dakotah
• Michael Kors
• author signings
• my PF
• beaches
• fusion tapas
• sparkly shoes
• writing
• photography
• snow
• coffee
• spa days
• elevators <3
• 7th Heaven
• music
• bubble baths
• cuddling
• marketing
• bags
• affirmations
• turquoise
• singing
• Tangled
• a house that is a home
• graphic design
• harry potter
• Friends (tv)
• airplane photo calls/texts
• bubbly moscato
• office supplies
• sea salt caramels
• burt's bee's
• toms
• shiner bock

currently...

• missing my bff who is not in the country...my anxiety levels are high because she is SO far away. 3 hour plane ride is nothing....around the world is a whole different thing. 
• craving some of the amazing fusion tapas my bff had when I was up in DC a few weeks ago. Heck, I'm also craving the scallops from the other restaurant we went to.
• accepting that I am NOT broken and I don't need to fix me {this is HUGE for me to say}.
• loving having someone who calls me on the above and has made me start living life. 
• needing to start reading again...I'm on chapter 15 of Scarlet and I have been for a few weeks. I need to learn to read again for fun. 
• listening to my church choir's CD - it's so powerful.
• watching lots of things...Survivor {thankful last week rocked because was about to give up on it}, Revenge, The Office {sigh}, How I Met Your Mother, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, Smash, Grey's Anatomy, Shark Tank, The Apprentice Celebrity All Stars, Hart of Dixie {sad face}
• wanting to stop being so scared to make something of my photography career.
• hoping to make some progress on purging the stuff that is upstairs...I am ready to declutter and simplify my life.
• desiring for my ex to come sign the papers so I can file them and that part of my life just be over...I'm ready for it to not be looming over my head.

recent outfits...

I know there are a few plus-size fashion blogs out there...and not sure if mine will ever wind up being that, but I think I wanted to share some photos of some cute outfits that I've gotten lately. I'm thankful for Gwynnie Bee {if you want an invite - since it is invite only let me know and I'll get you one}. One of my friends turned me onto it...it's a place to borrow clothes for (for girls size 10 and up). It's PERFECT for me right now since I'm in a state of flux with my weight. I have continually lost weight since the separation started (actually a little before, but it's amazing the sizes I'm in now vs then...THEN I was a size 26-28...now I'm in a size 18-20. Some shirts I have to go up to size 22 (since the girls are very large).

I have people at work continually telling me to stop wearing the pants I have (since I'm swimming in them)...so I wind up wearing dresses most of the time. And now thankfully I get to rotate clothes in and out of my wardrobe without a LOT of money and investment...

Eloquii Zig Zag Geo Print Dress

Kiyonna Legacy Wrap Dress Black

 

Kiyonna Abby Twist Front Top Polka Dot, Cute Jacket from Fashion Bug & pants that are way too big

Jessica Simpson Printed Ponte Sheath Dress

Grey Ruffle top from Fashion Bug & Jeans from Lane Bryant

Dress from Lane Bryant {will say I don't like the sheer fabric on top - have had to get fixed TWO times already}