I wrote this last year...
Mother's Day...
I realized yesterday that next sunday is mother's day. It has been such a
hard day for me and I am not sure how many people even realize that.
Last year for Mother's Day I was left unacknowledged by everyone...it's
hard because even though I don't have a baby on this earth I am still a
mother. My two (?) babies in heaven plus being a mother to my siblings
make me feel like a mom.
This year I will be in Tiny Town Mother's Day morning with my sister and
friends...I think that this year I will be ok. For the first time in a
while, I have a new outlook on life. I am trying not to dwell on the
past. I am looking forward to a future full of happiness...I am tired of
crying for things I have lost. I am instead hopeful for things that are
to come.
A new life. A happy life. A life that I get to choose. A future that is full of unlimited possibilities.
I don't know if I will ever be a "mother" the way society deems, but
it's ok. I know I am one in my heart and that is enough for me now. I am
tired of having to feel like people have to acknowledge something in
order for it to be true. No more. I am what I am and I don't care if
people don't "get" me. I do and that is all that matters.
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This year, the pain hit me harder than it did last year. Monday driving into work I started thinking about how I should have a 2 year old...how I should have a family. I have been crying. This YEAR has been full of crying for my past, my present and my future. I don't know where I will end up. What I'll be doing. Who I will be sharing my life with.
My sister took off the whole weekend to spend it with me...last year my friend's made a special mother's day meal {which will happen this year too} and my sister and her now ex-boyfriend got me a Mother's Day cookie...it was a special day. I am hoping this year will be close to the same. Last year was the first one I ever felt like I was being honored as a mom...and my sister wants to make sure I am again...which I'm so grateful for.
I am not a mom in the conventional way...I may never be...but I have helped raise 3 of my siblings and have angel babies who have always had a special place in my heart...I will celebrate me...even if no one else does.