the reason this photo makes me sad is that its proof that my grandma used to love me. long before she use to make me feel not good enough. long before she would say i hope that fits. long before she said i ruined our family. long before she shunned me.
It's hard when I have to go see her. Insanely hard. There is always this huge elephant in the room. It's the thing no one in my family talks about. Partly because she didn't want the rest of the family to know. Partly because most of the family blames me for my uncle being in jail. Me. It's not my fault. It took me years of therapy to be able to say that. Now I know it and I hate being accused {non-verbal now} that him being in jail is entirely my fault. The only time I ever stood up to her was when she accused me of destroying our family when accusations flew about 6 years ago. Yes, 6 years ago.
I went through my entire teenaged and adult years never saying anything. Sure, eventually I told my husband and my other grandma...somehow in this whole mess my dad found out. He knew. He didn't stand up for me. Ever. There was a straw that broke the camel's back which caused me to finally say something and file charges. I finally realized that I had to stop him from ever hurting another child. It was a very hard decision. I struggled with it. It was hard because I had to tell people I never wanted to tell...I had to tell my inlaws, my boss {since I would be missing work}, a few friends who didn't know...I had to tell people. It was a shame I couldn't get over. Only now I realize that it wasn't my fault. I am not the one who should feel shameful. It's his fault. His fault, not mine. I did nothing wrong.
When my grandma found out that I filed charges she essentially kicked me out of the family. She said that I should have come forward years ago. I flat out told her she wouldn't believe me then like she didn't believe me now. She didn't disagree. Months of her calling me trying to disprove my statement I submitted to the cops...months of me not talking to her...months of me feeling bad for what I was doing...
Finally the kid's trial happened {the one that caused me to go ahead and file charges}...they offered him as little as 5 years at one point but he wouldn't take it...then in the middle of the trial he plead out for 30 years...30 years. Only stipulation was my case be dismissed. I took that. I don't think I was strong enough then to stand going through a trial. To deal with being accused of lying. I still can't figure out why my grandma thinks I'm lying. I have nothing to gain from coming forward and everything to loose.
Years later we have a relationship...it's very strained. this whole trial mess is off topic {a stipulation by me}. She asked about 3 years ago if I would state that I lied in my statement and I was coerced into writing it. Yep, she asked me to lie for him. I don't think she realizes I've lied for him for years and am done. I'm pretty much done with that part of the family. The last trip to Bremond proved to me that she hadn't changed at all. She completely ignored my sister the entire time we were at her house visiting. Petty BS that I don't need to deal with. Petty ignorance. She still blames my mom for getting the ball rolling with the kid that came forward...the kid was/is a friend of my siblings and my mom heard them talking and took him to the cops. So this whole mess is my mom's fault. Yes, that's sadly how my grandma thinks.
I'm done. I'm done with trying to seek her approval {I don't know why I'm still trying at this point}. I'm done trying with her period. This last trip proved she makes no effort. She is the one that ruined our already strained relationship. I hope she can live with it.
43 brilliant insights:
i'm sorry for everything you've had to go thru. it's so sad that your grandma just immediately goes against you in this. you have a good support system aside from her.
We have one of those issues in my family too, and nothing hurts more than finally not being silent anymore only to be accused of lying. Its a horrible place to be, but its not worth the misery of holding onto a dark secret like that. No matter what they say, you've done a good thing, you're a strong woman! *hugs*
I'm so sorry for all of this. I'm sorry you ever had to deal with this. *hugs*
I'm so sorry - family issues are often the hardest to deal with. I think everyone has one elephant in the closet they'd love to lock away and never speak of again.
Good for you for being strong enough to decide enough is enough and holding your head up through everything. *hugs*
I'm so sorry! I know that no one can ever replace your grandmother - but I hope that you have lots of people in your life now that give you the love and support you deserve.
Oh my! There aren't enough words~! I am so sorry for what you have been thru....for what you have endured since....and for being shunned when you finally broke the silence. You are an incredibly strong person!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Saying I'm sorry just doesnt seem to even start to tell you how truly sorry I am for you. From someone that has been there with a sister in your boat...I am offering big hugs..the kind that wrap around you and you feel all the way to your inner heart. *Hugs*
*hugs* it's always a shame to hear when families refuse to believe the truth. glad you aren't carrying the lies around with you anymore
You keep your chin up, girl. You did what was right. Your grandmother chooses denial, and you chose to stop it from happening to more kids. Power and love to you! She doesn't have the right, and should not have the power, to make you feel bad, nor does anyone else.
holy crap i got so angry reading this post! good for you for being so strong despite ur own family members trying to bring u down! @ the end of the day, i think they just feel threatened...who wants to admit they raised a son who turned out to be a jack ***? as if it was a reflection on them. or denial. how selfish.
if i knew you personally, i would give u the BIGGEST hug ever. it takes an incredible amount of courage to stand up for wats right. ur my new hero :)
*hugs*
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I'm not my mom's "favorite" in fact, I think I'm #5 out of 5 kids. I used to say, that it was harder than if they were dead, because if they were dead then it was obvious why they couldn't be there and love me. When they are there in your face and reject you, it's so much harder.
you're right.. it's NOT your fault that he's a ... well... there's no word strong enough. He's where he belongs and let him rot. *spit*
It's probably easier for her, to blame others, than it is to take any responsibility for his part, or HER part... like, how much did she know "back then".
I vote for finding a new grandma. someone older, that treats you like family, loves you, and you love back. It can be really healing.
you are a blessing to someone just by sharing this...how unfortuntae that you endured such horror and betrayal. but i firmly believe that sometimes in life, we are faced with decisions that seem painful but are for our betterment. so if removing yourself from a toxic relationship helps your growth, by all means, you'll be just fine ;-)
I am so sorry. I wish I had read this sooner. You should never have had to deal with this. You're strong and brave and I admire you for it. I love you, doll. <3
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