so...

I don't know what to say. I have a heavy heart.

I have distracted myself with home renovations. 

I have distracted myself with work.

The pain is still there.

I am heading to my inlaws tomorrow for some r&r. 

We do Christmas there, Gene will come up there Christmas Eve. 

I am hoping the time away will help. 

My inlaws are amazing and my MIL is like a mother to me.

This Christmas is not the one I had envisioned.

our house has zero decorations up.

work people make me feel sad and unincluded.

no christmas cards have been mailed.

 I'm just not loving life right now.

Yes, I still have hope...

but right now I'm in a funk.

I'll leave you with our Christmas card that I have yet to mail. 

Yes, they are printed, but not sent. I suck.

what I'm feeling...

hurt.

anger.

betrayal.

confusion.

numbness.

frustration.

speachlessness.

despair.

longing.

love.

{to all of you who have given me so much support,
words are not enough to say thanks}

hope.

{my body is working, this will happen for me}

faith.

{even though it's hard to have it...I know it's what will get me through}

it's over...

my beta dropped to 32. i am not going to keep this baby. my heart is torn into a million pieces at this moment.  after 2 years i thought we finally caught a break and got lucky. guess i was wrong.

cautiously optimistic...

Right now I'm pregnant. Seriously y'all this is the craziest thing ever. I have hope. I know my little nutter butter is growing inside me right now. On the positive front my temp shot up this morning a lot higher than it's been the rest of the month {I didn't temp yesterday}. I hope that means my progesterone is going higher...which means my beta is going higher. Right? At least in my head that's what is happening :)

Thanks everyone for your love and support. Whatever way this goes I will need each and every one of you in my life to get me through it...

waiting, but hopeful...

ok, if you follow me on my ANuttierLife twitter you kinda know what's happening...right now I still DON'T HAVE AN EFFING CLUE...but here is what I know. See the above? Those are all POSITIVE OPK's I have taken since Friday {aka CD 12}...see that bottom stick? um yeah, that's a pregnancy test. See that line???? I FREAKING KNOW!!!!
So after flipping out on twitter last night I peed {yet again} on a first response pregnancy test...and yep, there was a line {super faint} but a FREAKING LINE.

I bawled. I freaked out. I went a little insane after I saw it. I was anxiously waiting for Gene to get home...he did. He freaked. He was in shock too.

I woke up {haha I didn't sleep} at 4 am and POAS again...it was definitely darker!!  So I basically stalked Dr. Lucky's office when they opened this morning and my favorite nurse looked at my pee stick {yes it was in my pocket} and sent me for a HCG and progesterone test...they rushed the test and it freaking took almost 5 hours for the results...um yeah, I pretty much went insane waiting. The nurse called me around 2 and said my HCG was 45 and my progesterone was 2.2. She said that it's either really, really early or it could be the end of one. I don't know what's happening. I am so hopeful that this is just really, really early. My body is a superstar and decided to let me know right away...My guess is the super weird brownish spotting mess this weekend was implantation. Right? Am I crazy.

I am trying to stay hopeful without getting my hopes up. I go back in Thursday for my second beta...whether the numbers are raising or lowering will tell us everything...

a whole lot...

right now there is just a whole lot of everything going on in my life and I'm feeling very overwhelmed...

I started OPK'ing friday night {cd12} and was expecting to see nothing...however, there it was, a pretty dark {not positive} line. Shit. I wasn't thinking I would be O'ing till CD18 again, but clearly that's not the case. We started BD'ing Friday night since clearly O'ing is coming soon...then both on Saturday AND Sunday I got +'s on my OPK. Oh, and Saturday & Sunday I had a TMI moment {turn away if you don't want to read about bodily functions} I had lots of dark brown spotting both of those days. That doesn't normally happen. My body freaking confuses me. Oh, and I haven't had the temperature dip I had last month so I don't know what or when I will actually ovulate {my chart is below}.

Friday night I went to the amazing Christmas pageant/play at the church I sometimes go to Sunday School at with my old boss. It was so unbelievably amazing. There was an ACTUAL ELEPHANT IN THE CHURCH!!!! The music, the story, everything, was breathtaking.

We worked all day Saturday on trying to clean up the mountains and mountains of dirt in my house. We worked from about 11 till 6:30 and got a huge chunk of it up...Sunday we went and spent a billion dollars on paint, supplies, christmas gifts, etc. We painted the ceiling in the entryway and living room {seriously it was 4 gallons of paint}. RIDICULOUS. I patched all the holes in the walls and tonight I'll start painting the walls and hopefully one night this week Gene will start to put in flooring. We have pretty much 2 weeks to get this done. We want a functioning house when we have all 3 of my siblings for christmas. I guess this is another kind of 2ww we are entering in.

Right now all I really want to do is curl into a ball and sleep. However in the next two weeks I have to accomplish the following:

• Finish Christmas Shopping {only have 2 gifts left - one for Gene & one for Devon}
• WRAP all the Christmas gifts {I've only wrapped about 15%}
• BD pretty much every freaking day until I leave for my inlaws on the 22nd
• Paint the living room and entryway 
• Paint a 2nd coat in the dining room
• Clean everything in the kitchen cabinets {everything is covered in dust still}
• Help Gene with the floor installation
• Clean out Dom's room & our bedroom {right now all the mess from downstairs was strewn in the rooms upstairs}
• Not stress about my 2ww which will totally be in full swing at Christmas
• *hopefully* put up a christmas tree!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure my list is sooooooooooooooo much longer, but I cannot think anymore.

favorite christmas gifts...

I LOVE buying gifts for people for Christmas...Generally that puts me in the spirit! Right now I only have 4 gifts left to buy {3 for my brother Denver & 1 for Gene}. Here are some of my favorite gifts I'm giving this year...

for my neighbor's teenage son...

{Freaking SWEET electric guitar t-shirt from thinkgeek.com}

for my house {love how I threw in a gift for me? lol}...

{Band Hero for Wii - Caught it on cyber monday for only $75 on amazon.com}

my our dogs...

{Squeaky toy for our girls...first squeaky toy to last more than a minute in our house...seriously there are like 16 squeakers in this thing! So we bought the girls more of them from amazon.com}

for my adorable nephew...

 {Explore and Grow Ball Popper...I have bought this for other kids before and their parents always tell me it is the one gift that they love and play with always...hopefully Tyson will like it too! I got it from amazon.com too} 

for my bff's new baby...

 {Vulli Sophie the Giraffe...I have read that this is the must have baby teether...hopefully Gavin will love it...I also got it from amazon.com}

I would post the rest of the cute gifts I got people, but they sometimes sneak onto my blog and I would hate to have their gifts ruined :)

What is your favorite gift you got someone this year??

not so wordless wednesday: sigh...

I miss having a Christmas tree. I miss having Christmas decorations up. I miss having floors. I miss having a living room. I miss feeling like a family. 

{I guess you can tell I'm not out of my funk.}

favorite christmas movies...

This is a partial reblog from two years ago with a few modifications...

I figured that I might get out of my funk by thinking about my favorite things about this time of year...I am going to have to hunt down my dvds so I can watch them since sadly I can't tivo them anymore...

Here are both of our must-see Christmas movies!

Mine:

• A Christmas Story - fantastic great family movie. From the amazingly cool leg lamp to the kid getting his tongue stuck to the light pole to the hilarious duck dinner at the Chinese food restaurant after the neighbor dogs destroyed their meal this movie is a classic. No Christmas is complete without me watching this movie at least 20 times!
  
• A Very Brady Christmas - I know, I know, its the most corny movie ever! Growing up loving The Brady Bunch led me to enjoy watching this gem of a movie every year. With lines like "Don't be sorry, be Wally", how can you go wrong? It's a thriller of a movie down to the last minute...will Mike make it out of the wreckage? Will the kids overcome their issues? How will everyone react to their news? I'm so bummed that this hasn't been released on DVD yet!!
  
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas - this is a fun movie that both Gene & I actually agree on. We watch the cartoon version every year and we finally watched the Jim Carey version which was a laugh riot. There's something about that grinch that always puts me in the Christmas mood.
• Elf - Such a funny movie and a good message. I think Will Ferrell plays the perfect elf and his mannerisms make the movie. My favorite is spaghetti with syrup for every meal :) Christmas is my favorite! lol
  

Gene:

• It's a Wonderful Life - A great movie that the end makes you all warm and toasty inside. I had never seen it till Gene & I got together and I must agree this is a great Christmas movie.
  
• Miracle on 34th Street (original version) - I have never liked this movie, I just can't get into it. He enjoys it and I sit through it whenever he wants to watch it...
• A Christmas Carol (original version). I've never seen this one, but I have enjoyed the play versions.
  

What are your favorite Christmas movies? Any that I should watch to get me in more of a Christmas mood?

holiday blues...

Normally I'm loving this time of year...I love Christmas...I love family...I love presents...I love winter...For some reason this year I'm hating everything. I do mean everything.

I have 90% of my Christmas gifts purchased and about 15% of them wrapped. My house is in complete disarray. I have zero decorations up. I don't feel the Christmas cheer. Normally I fill my house with decorations the week before Thanksgiving...every night I get to come home and stare at my tree and watch tons of Christmas movies. This  year, none of that. I feel like I'm confined to my bedroom since the entire downstairs is destroyed. Our bedroom is full of presents and boxes and junk because we have moved a ton of stuff from downstairs upstairs. Oh, and no tv is plugged to a dvd player so there is no movies being played...

My house sucks. My mood sucks. I have no Christmas cheer. I hope I can get out of this soon. I am not a nice/happy person right now.

ps - for those of you who know is being a bitch a side effect of Clomid? Seriously I'm not nice right now.

pleading...

So last month I did a lot of pleading and praying with God. A lot. I kept telling Him I get pregnant this cycle I will do xyz. If I can just have a baby growing inside of me I'll do xyz. Oh and of course there was the if you let me be pregnant I promise that I won't do xyz anymore. I did this a lot. I mean a lot a lot.

I know this isn't the most healthy thing...but it's where I was {heck, it's where I am still}. I am trying NOT to do this this cycle. It's not to say I won't be praying. I will...but I'm going to try not to make deals with God. I don't think he makes deals like that {otherwise I would have gotten pregnant in the last 2 years}. I feel horrible because I don't pray like I should. Not that there is a right or a wrong way to pray, but I feel like I keep asking and asking and asking for a baby and I am not thanking God for the blessings he has given me and praying for his will in my life...

I am trying to be a lot more grounded this cycle. I will NOT get my hopes up...I will NOT beg, plead or make deals with God...I will NOT obsess over my bbt temps...I will NOT let ttc consume my life...I want to enjoy my Christmas...I want to enjoy my time with Gene...I want to be and feel like a NORMAL person for a month...I want to be an oblivious person just having fun BD'ing with my husband...

wordless wednesday: lots and lots of hope...

dr lucky was so happy with my bbt chart...basically she said we need to bd a lot more this cycle {woohoo}. I'm very hopeful and happy that my body responded the way it was supposed to.

I am very, very hopeful...

{via}

***

ps - don't forget to sign up for Team Hope and to visit the  39 amazingly hopeful bloggers that are currently signed up for it! <3 you all!

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