Monday, August 29, 2011

an emotional monday...



I'm frustrated y'all. So frustrated. We went to my inlaws this weekend. I love it there. We know this. This is our first time back since we found out Gene's brother & his wife are expecting their second. Oh, did I mention they are having a girl? No, oh, mainly because of the emotions this brings up. I know I mentioned that they got pregnant when we lost ours. But now, they will have their perfect life. A boy and a girl. Seriously, if they keep popping out kids I'm going to be really frustrated. No, not frustrated...hurt. annoyed. sad. happy. confused.

I'm glad they get to have everything they want. Seriously. Sorta.

But I don't know if I'll be able to handle her 7 month pregnant belly for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful to have a MIL that understands that this is hard for me.

We are at the point now where our December pregnancy would be due. We are past the point where we would know what our April pregnancy is. We aren't able to do a medicated cycle for a while thanks to added expenses of my siblings living with us all summer.


It's a lot for me to handle right now. A lot a lot. To top it off I had a weird case of EWCM this weekend. Like for reals. I was confused yet a little excited. Is it possible that the met is helping me O? I like to think that's the case. I told Gene. Instead of excitement he gives me dread. He apparently is freaking out about the uncertainty of the future. The fact that in SIX MONTHS he might be trying to do cover driv.ing. The fact that we don't know what life is going to be like for us in six months.

I am pissed. I am confused. I am hurt.

Seriously if my body is finally working why aren't we? The next morning he apologized. Said he was being stupid. However, he still apparently has a block about it since we tried but weren't able to try try. I don't get it. I can't get a reason or him to talk to me right now. I keep thinking it is something more than that...I never even said we HAD to try.

I'm still scared about trying honestly...I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know that I have to live on faith. Faith that everything will be ok. Faith that God will provide. Faith that we will have a successful pregnancy. Faith that our love will sustain us. Faith...

5 comments:

Maria said...

Oh boy do I EVER get this! Being on a break was a relief for us, and then when it was "time" to try again....PRESSURE!!! For both of us. And then we fought. Holding onto faith was a rough one for sure. Hoping you can find and hold onto yours through the uncertainty of it all.

Kim said...

it's so hard. men take things differently than we do. and it happens all the time...they have a fear or anxiety about something and just let it creep into everything. I wish I knew a way to make it better.

Nika M. said...

I have found the hardest part of holding on to faith is that it means completely trusting in Him without having any control over the outcome and realizing that the outcome He wants isn't always what I want. Trust is hard for me now. I had trust, and I was let down because He had other plans.

I hope His plans for you do include a happy, healthy pregnancy.

I also hope things get a little easier on the home front. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

SassyIfLady said...

Your post totally hits home for me. That's how I feel most of the time. But, it's great that you have your faith. Unfortunately, I can't seem to tap into that. I get so suffocated with having a pity party for myself constantly that it's hard to turn everything over and have faith. My faith is pretty smashed. But, I am in awe of people who have it...and it works for them. Big hugs to you. Thanksgiving may be a tough one.

michelle said...

don't ever lose that faith *hugs* i hope things get easier (or at least less unknown)