Monday, August 29, 2011
an emotional monday...
I'm frustrated y'all. So frustrated. We went to my inlaws this weekend. I love it there. We know this. This is our first time back since we found out Gene's brother & his wife are expecting their second. Oh, did I mention they are having a girl? No, oh, mainly because of the emotions this brings up. I know I mentioned that they got pregnant when we lost ours. But now, they will have their perfect life. A boy and a girl. Seriously, if they keep popping out kids I'm going to be really frustrated. No, not frustrated...hurt. annoyed. sad. happy. confused.
I'm glad they get to have everything they want. Seriously. Sorta.
But I don't know if I'll be able to handle her 7 month pregnant belly for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful to have a MIL that understands that this is hard for me.
We are at the point now where our December pregnancy would be due. We are past the point where we would know what our April pregnancy is. We aren't able to do a medicated cycle for a while thanks to added expenses of my siblings living with us all summer.
It's a lot for me to handle right now. A lot a lot. To top it off I had a weird case of EWCM this weekend. Like for reals. I was confused yet a little excited. Is it possible that the met is helping me O? I like to think that's the case. I told Gene. Instead of excitement he gives me dread. He apparently is freaking out about the uncertainty of the future. The fact that in SIX MONTHS he might be trying to do cover driv.ing. The fact that we don't know what life is going to be like for us in six months.
I am pissed. I am confused. I am hurt.
Seriously if my body is finally working why aren't we? The next morning he apologized. Said he was being stupid. However, he still apparently has a block about it since we tried but weren't able to try try. I don't get it. I can't get a reason or him to talk to me right now. I keep thinking it is something more than that...I never even said we HAD to try.
I'm still scared about trying honestly...I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know that I have to live on faith. Faith that everything will be ok. Faith that God will provide. Faith that we will have a successful pregnancy. Faith that our love will sustain us. Faith...