I have started and stopped a million (no joke) posts over the last month. I feel like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions of life but not living it anymore.
What do I do with 2012? How do I make life happier? How do I take control of my world again?
I feel like so much of 2011 has been defined by loss and recovery from those losses. It's been defined by my infertility. It's been defined by me being thrust into the raising of two teenage boys (and supporting of them as well as my teenaged sister). It's been defined by me feeling like I'm flailing at work not knowing what I really want to be when I grow up. It's been defined by my lack of enthusiasm for my own businesses (design/photography/etc).
I feel like I'm walking through life without living it. I engulf myself in books/tv shows/menial tasks to keep me from working on me. The me that I need to be...the me that I want to be..the me I know is inside.
This time last year we were suffering a miscarriage from our miracle (missed) pregnancy. We would have had a baby in our arms right now. Hell, if the loss in April hadn't happened I would be due right now. I know people are probably like "why aren't you over this by now?"...well you know what? I wonder the SAME FREAKING THING. I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to be at peace with us not trying anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to love my husband the way I did before all this mess started. I want to not be grieved all the time. I want to know what I want from my future.
I feel like this is just yet another thing I don't complete.
I'm sick of feeling like a quitter.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel loved.
I...I...I just don't know.