Tuesday, December 20, 2011

what to say?

I have started and stopped a million (no joke) posts over the last month. I feel like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions of life but not living it anymore.

What do I do with 2012? How do I make life happier? How do I take control of my world again?

I feel like so much of 2011 has been defined by loss and recovery from those losses. It's been defined by my infertility. It's been defined by me being thrust into the raising of two teenage boys (and supporting of them as well as my teenaged sister). It's been defined by me feeling like I'm flailing at work not knowing what I really want to be when I grow up. It's been defined by my lack of enthusiasm for my own businesses (design/photography/etc).

I feel like I'm walking through life without living it. I engulf myself in books/tv shows/menial tasks to keep me from working on me. The me that I need to be...the me that I want to be..the me I know is inside.

This time last year we were suffering a miscarriage from our miracle (missed) pregnancy. We would have had a baby in our arms right now. Hell, if the loss in April hadn't happened I would be due right now. I know people are probably like "why aren't you over this by now?"...well you know what? I wonder the SAME FREAKING THING. I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to be at peace with us not trying anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to love my husband the way I did before all this mess started. I want to not be grieved all the time. I want to know what I want from my future.

I feel like this is just yet another thing I don't complete.

I'm sick of feeling like a quitter.

I want to be happy.

I want to feel loved.

I...I...I just don't know.


Girlie Blogger said...

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that 2012 will be better, as long as you have faith.

I also had a miscarriage in April, back in 2008. Then another one in April, 2009. But good things happen to good people and I know you'll get through it.


Allison (Ali) said...

IF takes so much from us, especially if it includes loss. Hoping 2012 is much nicer to you.

ADSchill said...

I wish I knew how to answer that one. I am locked in the same place, not sure how to move on and live happily.
I guess make a point to do things you love and spend time with people who you love. The only thing that seems to get my through a day is the drive to find peace and happiness. It feels like a long way off, but I want a family.
That means I (we) have to keep trying.

Have you thought about going to a support group? Soemtimes that helps.(?)


Stephen Hayes said...

Abraham and his wife didn't think they were going to have children and look at what happened to them. Maybe that isn't a good example. I really do wish you the best with the fervent belief that things usually work out the way they're supposed to.

annoyed army wife said...

I've been wondering where you've been, Tillie. It's been a shit year for sure, but so many people are lucky to have you in their lives! I'm not all bright and optimistic like some of your other commenters, so I'm not going to try and tell you to look on the bright side and next year will be better. All I can offer are virtual hugs and a snarky comment or two.

I must say real in person support groups are helpful; I've been going to a resolve group for 3 months now and it's been helpful.


jennifer @ what would jen do said...

i love you

Natasha Hollerup said...

This is my first comment on your blog, but I felt like I needed to say a couple of things. First off, you don't need to get over something as serious as your miscarriage. I am so sorry it happened and the pain you feel for that. I think it's important to feel grief for that so that you're not alright with losing the baby is okay. It'll ease in time. Secondly, by raising your sister and the teenage boys, you have indeed become a mother. It may not be in the most conventional way, but nothing is conventional anymore. You're such a wonderful woman to do such a great thing. I don't know if you believe in God, but I think this is proof that you are meant to be a mom in some way, shape or form. Everything else will get better. You will have so much joy and good busyness soon, and I love you.

AwkwardMoments said...

Just here, supporting, reading and listening. Many blessings for you in 2012

arkansasrunner said...

You definitely have a lot on your plate. Everyone grieves differently. You have to allow yourself to do what YOU need to do, to get over this and not put a timeline up for it. But something that I did notice is that you said you wanted to love your husband again. I hope you can do that. I hope you can find what's missing in that relationship and y'all both can work on fixing it! I'm here to tell you that it can be fixed - anything is possible!!!

Kim said...

I know I said this last night, but I can totally empathize. I know that things were rough as hell this year. But knowing a bit of what you've been through in your life, I can only imagine how you're going to make this amazing comeback and kick 2012's ass.

Amber said...

Hoping that 2012 brings all you wish for. ((hugs))

Kristen said...

Ugh. Hang in there sweet friend. My heart aches for you. I so very much remember the feelings of aloneness, emptiness, wondering why God seems to have forsaken you. He'll move you when it's time - whether it's moving on to adoptions or your siblings as your kids, or into more "trying"...I hope you know I'm living proof that things can change in the blink of an eye. They'll change for you too. Go get a red cup from Starbucks and enjoy your shows for now. :)

Anonymous said...


Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we've been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.

Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life - better than I can imagine.

Love you, Liz