{my memoirs} back to the land of the loony...

This shit gets crazy again yo. To catch remind yourself of the other lunacy be sure and check out part one, part two, part three and part four.

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I’m not sure why my grandparents said my mom could take me back? Maybe a 30th chance? Who knows. I was never privy to those conversations and my mom doesn’t make much sense anymore to even ask.

Somehow I wound up back in Austin...she had moved to a new apartment. I remember it was near a Sam’s Boat type restaurant because we would spend many a night in there while she ate oysters and I got free pearls from old men who were trying to pick up my mom. Did you even know that places let the pearls stay in there?

Being back with me you would think my mom would be making smarter choices. Sadly you are wrong...so wrong. She was still stripping. Only this time instead of men coming over who were trying to impress me and woo her, she brought home booty calls. Yep, with me in the apartment. Hell, sometimes with me in the SAME ROOM.

Many a mornings I would wake up to the sounds of her getting her groove on...I would either lay still and close my eyes willing for it to be over or I would crawl out of the room. Now I imagine me sitting in a corner of a room rocking back and forth, but I know that wasn’t how it went down. Most likely I put on cartoons and tried to drown out the memories of hearing the squeaking bed.

One of the craziest nights was a night my mom got pissed off at her booty call (never saw any of these guys enough to call them her boyfriend) and she thought it would be a smart decision to walk out on our patio and fire a gun up in the air...while it was still wrapped in a bandanna. I don’t have any clue what she hoped to accomplish, but 15 minutes after it happened a cop was knocking on our door asking if we knew anything about the shots that were fired. She lied and said she didn’t even own a gun and thought it came from another building.

Man did she lie so easily. No clue if the cop really believed her...who knows, maybe she flashed him to get him to leave (no I’m sure she didn’t but really? who knows). But he left and I remember the relief. Relief that a repeat night from the year before wouldn’t be happening...

The only other night I remember from this apartment was one night during a torrential downpour where flooding was occurring on many streets and underpasses she thought we should leave our second story apartment for the comfort of Bennigan’s. We must have been out of alcohol. We walk outside and with an umbrella in my hand I turn to walk down the stairs and a gust of wind literally picks me up and throws me down the stairs. A logical mom would probably realize it’s too bad to drive to some stupid restaurant. A logical mom would realize that if the wind is that bad, why drive in it. Well, my mom is not that logical person so we wound up at a Bennigan’s which was near one of those flooded intersections. Hey, at least my nachos were good (and yes, that meal has stuck with me for years).

What’s odd about most of this year is I don’t remember school until we move to Round Rock. I’m not sure if all this craziness that happened occurred during the summer (seems impossible to me), but I only remember going to school once we were in Round Rock...and the only reason I remember that is because I checked out a book on gymnastics right before I was sent back to Tiny Town and I never returned it...Damn I must have a horrible book fine by now.

Me going back to Tiny Town was very uneventful this time. I really don’t remember how or why she took me back or if someone came and got me. But her environment was so toxic...so yet again I was starting school in the middle of a school year back in Tiny Town...

you'll shoot your eye out...

{my memoirs} the calm before the storm...

Oh hello there memoir posts...I know it's been SO LONG since I posted one, but I kinda wasn't feeling it for a while. I guess getting out my post yesterday helped a lot. I can't thank y'all enough for the love you left me...

On to the memoirs...if you need a refresher here are part one, part two and part three. A warning that this one isn't as "eventful" as the other three, but the next will be back to the lunacy...

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Tiny Town was where I spent my baby years. Both sets of grandparents had houses there (at the time only a few miles apart down dusty country roads. Since my mom’s parents (Mary & Chester, also known as Nana and Papa) got primary custody of me, off to their house I went.

At the time my two uncles, Paul & Bill, were still living at home. Paul, at the time was in high school, Bill was in middle school. The boys were known for getting into and causing a lot of the trouble around town...but having me be a tag-a-long kinda slowed them down...well, only a little.

Since it was in the middle of a school year I remember walking into the first grade classroom, greeted by the wondering eyes of about 15 students and the smile of my teacher Mrs. White {rip sweet lady - here's her picture, see she just oozes love and caringness}. She was a gem. A bright light in the craziness of my life. She took me under her wing and I think with her guidance she was able to help me get through the year making pretty much all 100s.

Funnily enough, even as first graders Tiny Town was very cliqueish. Which to a first grader new in school is not full of fun times. I made a few friends but I think everyone was probably wondering what the heck I was doing there and where I had been...it didn’t matter that I lived in Bremond for years...I didn’t go to kindergarten with them, I was an outsider. And I pretty much remained that for the next 12 years.

You would think home life would have been much better being away from a drug using stripper mom right? Wrong. It was just as crazy but for much different reasons. A few memories from that year have stood out haunted me for years.

My grandfather was always a strange man...hard working for most of his life..but still strange in the fact that he was never one that seemed too attached to me. I could never put my finger on it, but later in life I finally figured out why (which will be when I reveal the reasoning to you).

My grandfather ran a tight ship. Mornings my uncles and I got up and milked the cows, gathered eggs, fed the animals, ate breakfast (sometimes) then walked down the road to catch the bus...which 9 times out of 10 we were running late for. After school, we had to catch the bus home, take care of the animals again, homework, dinner then bed. Oh, my bedroom there? I really didn’t have one...it was kinda in a room off the living room that had no wall in between, so if people were awake or lights were on in the living room or dining room, I could hear/see it all. At one point they kinda moved me into this weird closet type room off my grandparents room, but it wasn’t much better.

One of the crazy memories there was just after the garden was tilled and planted my uncles decided it would be fun to go play baseball in it. I remember seeing them and running in the house and telling my grandpa on them. He came roaring out of the house with his bullwhip and started cracking it threatening them to hit them with it. Well, instead he wound up snapping me with it. I guess I shouldn’t have been a tattletale. But I don’t think I learned.

The school year definitely blurred by. One of the only other incidents I really remember is one particular night when for the umpteenth time my grandma made liver and onions. One thing you must know about me is it’s pretty much the only meal that I get ill even thinking about. Well, in that house if you were served something to eat you had to eat it. All of it. No questions. No substitutions. It’s why I no longer will even consider eating grits. I don’t think they really realized that kids don’t eat as much as adults. Seriously, I showed up there and was skinny. Years there and I definitely wasn’t that any longer. I digress.

This night I was sitting down to eat (though I already knew what it was since my nose never lies). I tried to eat it. I gagged. I tried. I gagged. Finally I couldn’t deal with it and was about to get up to get sick and I get yelled at that if I get sick I’m going to get hit. With my grandpa’s belt. Yeah.

Well, I got sick.

He hit me with a belt like he threatened.

I called my other grandparents.

They were there minutes later and my other grandpa, who was like a father to me, is normally a calm and collective man was about to come unglued on them. I packed a bag and went and stayed with them for a while.

This started my constant shuffling between sets of grandparents...it was a catch 22 in a way. I would have rather spent my time all at my dad’s parents. They had a more stable home. They were loving and they were the ones who provided me with the things I needed...however, there, I apparently was in some weird struggle with my grandma for my grandfather’s attention. I was his girl. I was the only girl ever born in their family. All their kids were boys. His brothers, boys. So I was my grandfather’s pride and joy (it helped that I was also his first grandchild too).

So I never stayed at one grandparent’s house for too long...I kinda felt like a yo-yo, but a lot of it was my choice.

The school year finished out without much drama...but at some point in the summer my mom convinced her parents to let me go back to Austin with her again...Sigh.

what to say?

I have started and stopped a million (no joke) posts over the last month. I feel like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions of life but not living it anymore.


What do I do with 2012? How do I make life happier? How do I take control of my world again?

I feel like so much of 2011 has been defined by loss and recovery from those losses. It's been defined by my infertility. It's been defined by me being thrust into the raising of two teenage boys (and supporting of them as well as my teenaged sister). It's been defined by me feeling like I'm flailing at work not knowing what I really want to be when I grow up. It's been defined by my lack of enthusiasm for my own businesses (design/photography/etc).

I feel like I'm walking through life without living it. I engulf myself in books/tv shows/menial tasks to keep me from working on me. The me that I need to be...the me that I want to be..the me I know is inside.

This time last year we were suffering a miscarriage from our miracle (missed) pregnancy. We would have had a baby in our arms right now. Hell, if the loss in April hadn't happened I would be due right now. I know people are probably like "why aren't you over this by now?"...well you know what? I wonder the SAME FREAKING THING. I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to be at peace with us not trying anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to love my husband the way I did before all this mess started. I want to not be grieved all the time. I want to know what I want from my future.


I feel like this is just yet another thing I don't complete.


I'm sick of feeling like a quitter.


I want to be happy.


I want to feel loved.


I...I...I just don't know.

my wishlist...

 

Since I'm done shopping for everyone else I can now focus on me :) 

Here is my wish list...some things are more-so general/generic things since there are quite a few of them on my list {ahem camera lenses}...

1. New camera lenses - I still only have the one that came with my camera last year...I need mucho more of them.
2. Comfy socks - I have never owned anything cashmere, but I am thinking cashmere socks would be amazing. 
3. Sephora Favorite Lashtash Sampler - I have still not found mascara I love...maybe this will help. 
4. Washi/paper tape - um, I'm a little obsessed with the stuff. 
5. Grasslands Road Just Desserts Cupcake Pedestal Candy Jars - Seriously how adorable are these things? 
6. T3 SinglePass WHIRL Tapered Hair Styling Wand Iron - I've had this used on me and makes amazing curls. Totally need. 
7. Sharpies - enough said. 
8. Diamond Candles - I'm seriously obsessed with these things {yes I'm obsessed with a lot of things} -- they actually put RINGS INSIDE THE CANDLES. They range from a $20 ring to a $5k diamond ring. People actually post their rings on their FB page and you can see what people get! 
9. Stella & Dot Bamboleo Necklace - seriously it's gorgeous.

What's on y'alls Christmas wishlist??

weekend plans...

Yikes, it has been FOREVER since I've posted. Life has been crazy...you can definitely tell Christmas is coming soon (seriously how is it a little over 2 weeks away???).

I have an insanely busy weekend (not on that includes finishing Christmas shopping and getting my hair done!). I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a fabulous weekend!!