I started writing this last night and finished it today...no matter when it's written, the emotions are raw and probably will stay that way...
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Friday night's:
Tonight I'm frustrated. Tonight I'm saddened. Tonight I'm no longer hopeful that the woman whom once birthed me...that once tried to, but failed to, be my mom will be coherent and able to ever be my mom again...no, she isn't dead, she might as well be though. It's been years since I've been able to have a coherent conversation with her. Years.
Tonight I was hoping, praying, that I would be able to see her one last time before she heads off to learn/be taught things from a very scary to read about "church/school". For you see, she leaves tomorrow for Arkansas. Tomorrow.
She's been telling us for months that she was leaving in a few weeks. The weeks turned into months. The longer it was postponed the more we kept thinking that it was not going to happen.
And honestly as I write this, mere hours before she is planning on leaving, I still don't know if she will actually get in her car and drive north...But I do know that no matter if/when she leaves she will likely never return.
Saturday morning:
Shockingly she is on the road and heading to her destination. No clue if she will actually arrive. No clue if she is still planning on going through Oklahoma to get to Arkanas. No clue.
When Dominique's dad dropped her off last night to me in Navasota we mused about the woman who has been living in their house. She isn't and hasn't been the woman known as my mom for years. Even in all her years of crazy that I have written about she was still a good person, a sane person underneath. She would always try and do something to make up for the crazy later. Now, she is just plain crazy.
She is heading to this place, if you ask me I will tell you, but not on the blog so the crazies won't know who I am lol. She rambled on yesterday when she called me to tell me that she has seen the prophecy of the end of the world...that when the Milky Way aligns with the earth God will return. She has also seen visions of the sun getting so hot her roof melts which is why she now wants us all to have tin roofs.
I am not sure when my mom became that person...it was sometime around the time my grandma {her mom} died...when drugs were all she could think about and she would disappear for days on end. I think that is when all of us noticed she no longer cares.
We all tried to keep her in the family...to keep her grounded...but no more. We cannot seem to get through to her any longer.
Now we await a call...a call from someone either to come pick her up or one telling us that something happened to her...
Please don't think I'm callous...I am not. I just am exacerbated with her. She hasn't even come to my house since this past summer when she walked in gave me a hug and left and drove the two and a half hours back home. She called me coughing and stating that she was coughing up the air freshner that was plugged into the walls. After that, I only saw her when I would make the drive to her house...one time she was walking through the house ranting and raving at me about their house not being clean...the other times I saw her she was asleep holed up in her "room". Her room is the living room that she has barricaded herself into room into...making doorways so small that she is the only person who can go through the door...
So now I sit here and wait and wonder and pray...
