a nuttier life

some days more than others...

2012-02-08T16:25:00.001-06:00

well...

2012-02-07T21:04:00.001-06:00

on days like yesterday I really, really have to hope/wish that I was adopted.

I was at work {my sister in tow} and I get a text from my brother stating

"scooter is crying. she's on her way home."

Yes, he calls our mom Scooter {and me mom}. I texted him back and was like 'um, what?' He just replied and said for me to try and call her.

Crap.

So I call, after looking pensively at my sister, who is staring at me in disbelief, and I get.

her: "mumble mumble"

Me: "hey, how's it going?" <<--- see me playing cool?

her: "mumble, mumble, something, mumble It was great mumble, I went to pee at a Chevron mumble, it was amazing there, so much better than here mumble showed up and they were mumble then went next door to the chevron since I made friends with her mumble, I knew David was married I wasn't there for nookie {me almost puking into the phone} the church service was like a rerun I was there to gaze/play {something I have no clue about} mumble it was why I was there and now I'm home I have been driving since twelve {it was 10 now} and I'm tired and I really don't want to talk about it anymore love you bye."

Me staring at the phone in disbelief. I relayed the message to my sister. Her just staring at me.

So, people, she is now back home. Clearly my mother is the ONLY person in the history of the world that was kicked out of a cult. Hell, Manson had his own cult/following. lol

my mom...

2012-02-04T12:45:00.000-06:00

I started writing this last night and finished it today...no matter when it's written, the emotions are raw and probably will stay that way...

-----

Friday night's:
Tonight I'm frustrated. Tonight I'm saddened. Tonight I'm no longer hopeful that the woman whom once birthed me...that once tried to, but failed to, be my mom will be coherent and able to ever be my mom again...no, she isn't dead, she might as well be though. It's been years since I've been able to have a coherent conversation with her. Years.

Tonight I was hoping, praying, that I would be able to see her one last time before she heads off to learn/be taught things from a very scary to read about "church/school". For you see, she leaves tomorrow for Arkansas. Tomorrow.She's been telling us for months that she was leaving in a few weeks. The weeks turned into months. The longer it was postponed the more we kept thinking that it was not going to happen.

And honestly as I write this, mere hours before she is planning on leaving, I still don't know if she will actually get in her car and drive north...But I do know that no matter if/when she leaves she will likely never return.

Saturday morning:
Shockingly she is on the road and heading to her destination. No clue if she will actually arrive. No clue if she is still planning on going through Oklahoma to get to Arkanas. No clue.

When Dominique's dad dropped her off last night to me in Navasota we mused about the woman who has been living in their house. She isn't and hasn't been the woman known as my mom for years. Even in all her years of crazy that I have written about she was still a good person, a sane person underneath. She would always try and do something to make up for the crazy later. Now, she is just plain crazy.

She is heading to this place, if you ask me I will tell you, but not on the blog so the crazies won't know who I am lol. She rambled on yesterday when she called me to tell me that she has seen the prophecy of the end of the world...that when the Milky Way aligns with the earth God will return. She has also seen visions of the sun getting so hot her roof melts which is why she now wants us all to have tin roofs.

I am not sure when my mom became that person...it was sometime around the time my grandma {her mom} died...when drugs were all she could think about and she would disappear for days on end. I think that is when all of us noticed she no longer cares.

We all tried to keep her in the family...to keep her grounded...but no more. We cannot seem to get through to her any longer.

Now we await a call...a call from someone either to come pick her up or one telling us that something happened to her...

Please don't think I'm callous...I am not. I just am exacerbated with her. She hasn't even come to my house since this past summer when she walked in gave me a hug and left and drove the two and a half hours back home. She called me coughing and stating that she was coughing up the air freshner that was plugged into the walls. After that, I only saw her when I would make the drive to her house...one time she was walking through the house ranting and raving at me about their house not being clean...the other times I saw her she was asleep holed up in her "room". Her room is the living room that she has barricaded herself into room into...making doorways so small that she is the only person who can go through the door...

So now I sit here and wait and wonder and pray...

my week in photos & trepidation about tonight...

2012-02-03T10:38:00.000-06:00

flowers from the flower gnome...

reading an amazing award-winning book...

all consuming this week...

traffic made better with the discovery of audio books...

puppy love keeps me going...

how is it february already?

delicious dinner from gene...

------

tonight I head to get my sister...my mom is apparently leaving tomorrow for the "school" tomorrow so she will meet me with her {instead of her dad meeting me like normal}...part of me wonders if it's the last time I will ever see her again...

I know that she hasn't been doing well...physically, emotionally, mentally, medically. Maybe she is going off to "learn/teach" so we won't see her again. See her continue on her downward spiral.

She hasn't called and talked to me in months...never a good sign. She doesn't seem to want me in her life. Somehow I have sorta-stopped caring/being concerned...please don't think it callous...I have had to shield myself from my family to survive my childhood without a lot of mental scars.

Anyway...I am a little afraid about tonight...about telling her goodbye...maybe forever. Will she even be coherent when I see her? Will she really be the one to drive my sister? Will she even care?

january faves...

2012-02-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

1. new 50mm lens 2. Amazing oil tote bag 3. Bert's Bees tinted lip balm 4. How I Met Your Mother 5. Erin Condren Life Planner 6. Awesome books - Incarnate & Where Things Come Back 7. Amazing friends & books {Hip Mama Jenn, me & Kaitlin}

funny stuff...

2012-01-31T12:22:00.000-06:00

Thanks Kaitlin for sending this to me...seriously how cute is she???

my weekend {5}...

2012-01-27T09:30:00.003-06:00

{wordless wednesday} - well behaved...

2012-01-18T09:46:00.002-06:00

{via}

a whole lot of books...

2012-01-15T18:11:00.001-06:00

I'm so freaking excited people...Friday I head up to Dallas {with Kaitlin} for the ALA Midwinter conference! I think I'm most excited about the blogger meetup dinner on Friday night where amazing authors are even going to be there...seriously I'm such a fan girl of Trinity Faegen {The Mephisto Covenant} and I cannot wait to meet her and have her sign my copy of the book!!!

This week is going to be INSANE trying to get ready for the conference...I have to clean the house {since Kaitlin is staying over the night before}, finish painting the guest bedroom, plan and pack bags, do insane amounts of work {at work}, write book reviews I'm late on, write other blog posts, and probably lots more I am forgetting.

Ok enough of my rambling...enjoy my latest Etsy treasury...awesome fan items for some of my favorite books...

Reading Necklace - Glass Dom...
Lizabettas
$12.00
DIVERGENT - Shaggy Loops Cha...
bokah
$22.50
Fondness of Reading- Emma- J...
chickylovit
$11.00
Lavender Sachet - Lover'...
gardenmis
$12.00
Harry Potter 'Lumos'...
PrettyLittleCh...
$17.00
Harry Potter Notebook . Gryf...
sparrownestscr...
$17.00
Lucy the Elephant Sterling S...
LRoseDesigns
$38.00
Harry Potter - Poster A3 Pri...
Posterinspired
$18.00
Paper Rose Twilight Ornament
JezebelRose
$30.00
Breaking Dawn - Twilight Que...
EnchantedLeave...
$19.95
Harry Potter Firebolt broom ...
SixAstray
$19.90
The Devil Wears Prada Ring
JANETLILY
$18.00
Wuthering Heights Book Emily...
JezebelCharms
$40.00
Yours truly, Jack the Ripper...
wiccanstyle
$15.50
True Blood Necklace-Free Shi...
exquisitecraft...
$14.00

crazy mom christmas...

2012-01-13T09:12:00.002-06:00

So y'all have been reading about my mom's antics for a while now in my memoir posts but I thought I would show you some of her insanity of late...

This is what she sent with my brother for me for Christmas...

Yep, birthday cards. TWO birthday cards...FOR CHRISTMAS.

Yep. That's my mom. Oh, and a gift?

She gives NOTHING to my brother's and sister. NOTHING, but she sends me this...

Wondering what it is?

It's a muumuu.

A FREAKING MUUMUU.

She swears it was mine "when I was bigger". She said that my grandma gave it to me.

Let me be clear. I have NEVER owned a muumuu.

NEVER.

Oh, and the muumuu REEKED of smoke.

Like, it made our WHOLE downstairs smell when I took it out of the walmart bag.

I washed it and put it on as a joke.

It was Hi-wait for it-larious.

And no, there is no photographical evidence...though I might be able to be persuaded to document it for the blog.

Maybe ;)

{tv tuesday} current obsessions...

2012-01-10T09:56:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted my tv loves in a while and thought I should update...I am sad to report that the only new show from the fall season I'm still watching is Hart of Dixie {which I ADORE}...but never fear, by the grace of netflix I have NEW shows I am obsessed with {and yes most are still producing new episodes and you better believe I'm going to catch up through this season}...

If you aren't watching The Vampire Diaries {CWTV} you need to be...my friend Jen even posted shirtless friday posts for each of the Salvatore Brothers {Stefan/Damon} and if that doesn't tempt you into watching it, just know that ALL the guys are eye candy on the show. ALL OF THEM. Oh, plus the show is pretty badass too...but really? Who pays attention to the dialog ;) kidding. Sorta.

Ok y'all - why didn't you tell me how funny How I Met Your Mother {CBS} was??? Funnily enough I had watched the one episode Britney Spears was in, but never watched another one...I saw people on twitter watching it and I jumped in feet first. It took me about 6 episodes to get invested in it and I am HOOKED. Hooked.

Yes, I know it's staged but it's still pretty awesome.

This show is INSANE. I couldn't imagine what her family must deal with...I'm only a few episodes in so far, but I'm enjoying it...

and an oldie {but a goodie}...

Seriously, HILARIOUS.

Is there anything else on Netflix I should watch?

i think i'm in love...

2012-01-08T19:50:00.000-06:00

I just got my first new lens for my camera and I am most definitely in love.

I only got to play around with it for a few minutes this weekend but so far, I'm blown away {these are all straight out of the camera}...

I cannot wait to learn more about the lens and new techniques!!!

PS - how 'bout them Texans??? ;)

I'm wearing them right now...

2012-01-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

Gene should seriously know better than to have me go to his store...I ALWAYS find shoes I want. ALWAYS. I fell in love with these and some glittery pumps {which where oh so much cheaper}...but after all was said and done with Christmas gifts from family I had some cash {and gift cards} burning a hole in my pocket and decided to splurge on these amazing boots. I love being able to catch a good sale {I've seen them on sale online too, but no where close to what I got mine for}...after gift cards & christmas cash they only cost me $3.03. :)

now off to find some glittery shoes...

no lofty goals...

2012-01-04T08:35:00.001-06:00

{via}

Seriously y'all is 2012...how is this even possible? If I had gotten knocked up in high school {like oh so many of my friends} my kid would be turning 16 this year. Yes, I am a dork for thinking that way, but it's where my brain goes lol.

I was looking back at last year's posts thinking about doing a year-in-review, but honestly, I feel like I don't have much to show for 2011. No major purchases. No major life changes. I swapped one brother for another that is living in my house. I have the same job. The same family dynamic. The same everything...except my heart which felt like it was battered last year.

I'm ready to heal it and move on this year to a life I'm content and happy with {whatever dynamic that is}. The goals I posted last year weren't completed {minus finishing installing the floors downstairs though my house is still missing a majority of the trimwork} so I'm not setting any personal goals for 2012 except to be happy {oh, and read 100 books}.

Blog and business goals for 2012 I am setting since that it needed to make me strive for something and so I can buy pretty things...

...learn more features on my camera and practice, practice, practice.

...have 5 photography clients.

...develop my online design portfolio.

...have 5 new design clients.

I am hoping and praying for an amazing 2012...who's with me?

{my memoirs} back to the land of the loony...

2011-12-23T12:38:00.000-06:00

This shit gets crazy again yo. To catch remind yourself of the other lunacy be sure and check out part one, part two, part three and part four.

------------

I’m not sure why my grandparents said my mom could take me back? Maybe a 30th chance? Who knows. I was never privy to those conversations and my mom doesn’t make much sense anymore to even ask.

Somehow I wound up back in Austin...she had moved to a new apartment. I remember it was near a Sam’s Boat type restaurant because we would spend many a night in there while she ate oysters and I got free pearls from old men who were trying to pick up my mom. Did you even know that places let the pearls stay in there?

Being back with me you would think my mom would be making smarter choices. Sadly you are wrong...so wrong. She was still stripping. Only this time instead of men coming over who were trying to impress me and woo her, she brought home booty calls. Yep, with me in the apartment. Hell, sometimes with me in the SAME ROOM.

Many a mornings I would wake up to the sounds of her getting her groove on...I would either lay still and close my eyes willing for it to be over or I would crawl out of the room. Now I imagine me sitting in a corner of a room rocking back and forth, but I know that wasn’t how it went down. Most likely I put on cartoons and tried to drown out the memories of hearing the squeaking bed.

One of the craziest nights was a night my mom got pissed off at her booty call (never saw any of these guys enough to call them her boyfriend) and she thought it would be a smart decision to walk out on our patio and fire a gun up in the air...while it was still wrapped in a bandanna. I don’t have any clue what she hoped to accomplish, but 15 minutes after it happened a cop was knocking on our door asking if we knew anything about the shots that were fired. She lied and said she didn’t even own a gun and thought it came from another building.

Man did she lie so easily. No clue if the cop really believed her...who knows, maybe she flashed him to get him to leave (no I’m sure she didn’t but really? who knows). But he left and I remember the relief. Relief that a repeat night from the year before wouldn’t be happening...

The only other night I remember from this apartment was one night during a torrential downpour where flooding was occurring on many streets and underpasses she thought we should leave our second story apartment for the comfort of Bennigan’s. We must have been out of alcohol. We walk outside and with an umbrella in my hand I turn to walk down the stairs and a gust of wind literally picks me up and throws me down the stairs. A logical mom would probably realize it’s too bad to drive to some stupid restaurant. A logical mom would realize that if the wind is that bad, why drive in it. Well, my mom is not that logical person so we wound up at a Bennigan’s which was near one of those flooded intersections. Hey, at least my nachos were good (and yes, that meal has stuck with me for years).

What’s odd about most of this year is I don’t remember school until we move to Round Rock. I’m not sure if all this craziness that happened occurred during the summer (seems impossible to me), but I only remember going to school once we were in Round Rock...and the only reason I remember that is because I checked out a book on gymnastics right before I was sent back to Tiny Town and I never returned it...Damn I must have a horrible book fine by now.

Me going back to Tiny Town was very uneventful this time. I really don’t remember how or why she took me back or if someone came and got me. But her environment was so toxic...so yet again I was starting school in the middle of a school year back in Tiny Town...

you'll shoot your eye out...

2011-12-22T11:24:00.001-06:00

{my memoirs} the calm before the storm...

2011-12-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

Oh hello there memoir posts...I know it's been SO LONG since I posted one, but I kinda wasn't feeling it for a while. I guess getting out my post yesterday helped a lot. I can't thank y'all enough for the love you left me...

On to the memoirs...if you need a refresher here are part one, part two and part three. A warning that this one isn't as "eventful" as the other three, but the next will be back to the lunacy...

-------------------

Tiny Town was where I spent my baby years. Both sets of grandparents had houses there (at the time only a few miles apart down dusty country roads. Since my mom’s parents (Mary & Chester, also known as Nana and Papa) got primary custody of me, off to their house I went.

At the time my two uncles, Paul & Bill, were still living at home. Paul, at the time was in high school, Bill was in middle school. The boys were known for getting into and causing a lot of the trouble around town...but having me be a tag-a-long kinda slowed them down...well, only a little.

Since it was in the middle of a school year I remember walking into the first grade classroom, greeted by the wondering eyes of about 15 students and the smile of my teacher Mrs. White {rip sweet lady - here's her picture, see she just oozes love and caringness}. She was a gem. A bright light in the craziness of my life. She took me under her wing and I think with her guidance she was able to help me get through the year making pretty much all 100s.

Funnily enough, even as first graders Tiny Town was very cliqueish. Which to a first grader new in school is not full of fun times. I made a few friends but I think everyone was probably wondering what the heck I was doing there and where I had been...it didn’t matter that I lived in Bremond for years...I didn’t go to kindergarten with them, I was an outsider. And I pretty much remained that for the next 12 years.

You would think home life would have been much better being away from a drug using stripper mom right? Wrong. It was just as crazy but for much different reasons. A few memories from that year have stood out haunted me for years.

My grandfather was always a strange man...hard working for most of his life..but still strange in the fact that he was never one that seemed too attached to me. I could never put my finger on it, but later in life I finally figured out why (which will be when I reveal the reasoning to you).

My grandfather ran a tight ship. Mornings my uncles and I got up and milked the cows, gathered eggs, fed the animals, ate breakfast (sometimes) then walked down the road to catch the bus...which 9 times out of 10 we were running late for. After school, we had to catch the bus home, take care of the animals again, homework, dinner then bed. Oh, my bedroom there? I really didn’t have one...it was kinda in a room off the living room that had no wall in between, so if people were awake or lights were on in the living room or dining room, I could hear/see it all. At one point they kinda moved me into this weird closet type room off my grandparents room, but it wasn’t much better.

One of the crazy memories there was just after the garden was tilled and planted my uncles decided it would be fun to go play baseball in it. I remember seeing them and running in the house and telling my grandpa on them. He came roaring out of the house with his bullwhip and started cracking it threatening them to hit them with it. Well, instead he wound up snapping me with it. I guess I shouldn’t have been a tattletale. But I don’t think I learned.

The school year definitely blurred by. One of the only other incidents I really remember is one particular night when for the umpteenth time my grandma made liver and onions. One thing you must know about me is it’s pretty much the only meal that I get ill even thinking about. Well, in that house if you were served something to eat you had to eat it. All of it. No questions. No substitutions. It’s why I no longer will even consider eating grits. I don’t think they really realized that kids don’t eat as much as adults. Seriously, I showed up there and was skinny. Years there and I definitely wasn’t that any longer. I digress.

This night I was sitting down to eat (though I already knew what it was since my nose never lies). I tried to eat it. I gagged. I tried. I gagged. Finally I couldn’t deal with it and was about to get up to get sick and I get yelled at that if I get sick I’m going to get hit. With my grandpa’s belt. Yeah.

Well, I got sick.

He hit me with a belt like he threatened.

I called my other grandparents.

They were there minutes later and my other grandpa, who was like a father to me, is normally a calm and collective man was about to come unglued on them. I packed a bag and went and stayed with them for a while.

This started my constant shuffling between sets of grandparents...it was a catch 22 in a way. I would have rather spent my time all at my dad’s parents. They had a more stable home. They were loving and they were the ones who provided me with the things I needed...however, there, I apparently was in some weird struggle with my grandma for my grandfather’s attention. I was his girl. I was the only girl ever born in their family. All their kids were boys. His brothers, boys. So I was my grandfather’s pride and joy (it helped that I was also his first grandchild too).

So I never stayed at one grandparent’s house for too long...I kinda felt like a yo-yo, but a lot of it was my choice.

The school year finished out without much drama...but at some point in the summer my mom convinced her parents to let me go back to Austin with her again...Sigh.

what to say?

2011-12-20T16:01:00.001-06:00

I have started and stopped a million (no joke) posts over the last month. I feel like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions of life but not living it anymore.

What do I do with 2012? How do I make life happier? How do I take control of my world again?

I feel like so much of 2011 has been defined by loss and recovery from those losses. It's been defined by my infertility. It's been defined by me being thrust into the raising of two teenage boys (and supporting of them as well as my teenaged sister). It's been defined by me feeling like I'm flailing at work not knowing what I really want to be when I grow up. It's been defined by my lack of enthusiasm for my own businesses (design/photography/etc).

I feel like I'm walking through life without living it. I engulf myself in books/tv shows/menial tasks to keep me from working on me. The me that I need to be...the me that I want to be..the me I know is inside.

This time last year we were suffering a miscarriage from our miracle (missed) pregnancy. We would have had a baby in our arms right now. Hell, if the loss in April hadn't happened I would be due right now. I know people are probably like "why aren't you over this by now?"...well you know what? I wonder the SAME FREAKING THING. I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to be at peace with us not trying anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to love my husband the way I did before all this mess started. I want to not be grieved all the time. I want to know what I want from my future.

I feel like this is just yet another thing I don't complete.

I'm sick of feeling like a quitter.

I want to be happy.

I want to feel loved.

I...I...I just don't know.

my wishlist...

2011-12-13T11:51:00.001-06:00

Since I'm done shopping for everyone else I can now focus on me :)

Here is my wish list...some things are more-so general/generic things since there are quite a few of them on my list {ahem camera lenses}...

New camera lenses - I still only have the one that came with my camera last year...I need mucho more of them.
Comfy socks - I have never owned anything cashmere, but I am thinking cashmere socks would be amazing.
Sephora Favorite Lashtash Sampler - I have still not found mascara I love...maybe this will help.
Washi/paper tape - um, I'm a little obsessed with the stuff.
Grasslands Road Just Desserts Cupcake Pedestal Candy Jars - Seriously how adorable are these things?
T3 SinglePass WHIRL Tapered Hair Styling Wand Iron - I've had this used on me and makes amazing curls. Totally need.
Sharpies - enough said.
Diamond Candles - I'm seriously obsessed with these things {yes I'm obsessed with a lot of things} -- they actually put RINGS INSIDE THE CANDLES. They range from a $20 ring to a $5k diamond ring. People actually post their rings on their FB page and you can see what people get!
Stella & Dot Bamboleo Necklace - seriously it's gorgeous.

What's on y'alls Christmas wishlist??

weekend plans...

2011-12-09T12:11:00.001-06:00

Yikes, it has been FOREVER since I've posted. Life has been crazy...you can definitely tell Christmas is coming soon (seriously how is it a little over 2 weeks away???).

I have an insanely busy weekend (not on that includes finishing Christmas shopping and getting my hair done!). I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a fabulous weekend!!

happy thanksgiving...

2011-11-24T11:20:00.000-06:00

thank you...

2011-11-22T12:22:00.001-06:00

I cannot express my thanks to everyone of my blogging {and some IRL} friends for getting me through this year. As we approach the holiday season, this one is extremely bittersweet for me. This last year has been one of many ups and downs {sadly so many more downs} than I would have cared to have had.

If my year had gone the "easy" way, I would have a baby in my arms right now or at least be this close to giving birth to the other one. Two losses makes for an extremely rough year. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to not dwell on it. I am trying to survive without this defining me.

I don't think that anything I do will take away the pain...the time has healed somewhat, but as we approach the due date of the second lost pregnancy {one that my SIL now has}, I find it harder and harder to stay sane.

I am thankful for a wonderful group of friends who are here for me unconditionally. I am hoping to make it through the holidays thankful for what I do have instead of what I have lost...I have a wonderful family {inlaws, Gene & Denver} I will be sharing Thanksgiving with and without the ever-present baby belly of my sister-in-law I might make it through the meal without crying.

I wish this year had worked out differently. But I know that for whatever reason this was God's plan for me...I just wish I knew why...though I probably won't know till I'm standing at Heaven's gate {and then, it really wouldn't matter anymore}...

I just laughed...

2011-11-18T02:13:00.001-06:00

I was one of the hoards of people who went and watched the midnight screening of Breaking Dawn today. I was probably one of the few twihards {I guess} that HATED it.

I am sorry. But I laughed. A lot. Even my neighbor was laughing at me the whole time because I WAS LAUGHING. At scenes that were NOT supposed to be funny. Almost every scene with the wolves? I laughed. Bella and Edward being serious? I laughed. Bella giving birth? I laughed.

I am sorry, but Breaking Dawn was by far my favorite book {that I read EIGHT TIMES} in the entire series and they ruined it. The depth. The little things that made it great. GONE.

I'm sorry, but the opening of the book was one of my favorite parts. The surprise of Bella seeing the DOWNSTAIRS {not outside} endearing. Her father trying on his tux comical. See, I am still within the first few pages and none of this was there.

I was slightly {ok, completely} annoyed with the way the wolfpack was handled. Why Jacob, Seth and Leah were never in wolf form is beyond me. Leah rarely was human in the book. All of the best parts of their interactions were gone. So Leah was left this bruiting girl with no further character development.

I am sure almost everyone else loved this movie. I probably went into it with too high of expectations. I implore those of you who are only watching the movies and not reading the books...please read this book. Even if it's just the first half {it will tell you where you can stop}. My neighbor was one of those people and she had so many questions that I had to answer after we left the theater.

I am bummed people. I was expecting more.

Did you see it? Did you love it? Was I crazy for thinking it would be so much better than it was?

Ok, now I have to go erase my memory and watch Harry Potter...

{semi-wordless wednesday} what's meant to be...

2011-11-16T13:09:00.001-06:00

Source: quotediary.me via Tori on Pinterest

we had to take a stand today with my FIL about my brother not being invited to thanksgiving {long story}...guessing this will be our first thanksgiving alone...

{fun with photos} TexRenFest...

2011-11-14T07:30:00.000-06:00

{seriously y'all -- I need one of these}

weekend randomness...

2011-11-13T18:21:00.001-06:00

Not sure how beneficial this whole posting every day thing is...so far I have added stress and lost 2 followers. Neither of which is what I was hoping to accomplish.

I will probably be ditching the every day posting unless it's a quality post {yes, I know I kinda spazzed a little and posted crap a few days}.

This week, I'm planning on sharing more photos from the photoshoot with my brothers & sister plus fun photos from the Renaissance Festival. Which, I learned some valuable camping lessons at {including if it is COLD do not trust your husband to pack enough blankets, nor trust him when he says it will NOT be COLD}.

Here is a picture of me at the RenFest...Please ignore my HORRIBLE hair {as I was originally wearing a hat until I bought my starting part of my costume, and since we were camping out I had zero access to plug in my straightening iron}.

Also, I think corsets need to be back in style...

Greetings (try 2)...

2011-11-12T16:02:00.001-06:00

From ye ole renaissance festival!

More pictures to follow...

{Me in my new costume}

{random people in some random costumes}

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

my weekend...

2011-11-11T08:30:00.000-06:00

from boys to men...

2011-11-10T08:59:00.001-06:00

it's hard to believe that these boys...

{devon, dakotah & denver}

are these boys {ok, boys plus my sister who wasn't born when the first picture was taken}...

{denver, devon & dominique}

pinterest love...

2011-11-09T14:52:00.001-06:00

I am obsessed with pinterest like everyone else...here are my favorite things I have seen {aka things I need to make or buy} this week! :)

Source: diyideas.com via Rhonda on Pinterest

Source: minifanfan.com via Tillie on Pinterest

Source: svpply.com via Tillie on Pinterest

Source: lavozurbana.com via Tillie on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Tillie on Pinterest

Source: weheartit.com via Tillie on Pinterest

one of those days...

2011-11-08T15:26:00.003-06:00

Source: knottytotty.tumblr.com via Tillie on Pinterest

fruit loops...

2011-11-07T10:14:00.002-06:00

Sorry people, no picture today. Running late from having to take my sister to the orthodontist. We are now less one boy. Back to a three person house...I can only imagine how much cheaper our food bill will be now...

Today's photo prompt was supposed to be fruit...I don't think I have ever taken any pictures of fruit, but I have some in my family. Seriously people, this weekend as I was picking up the boys and Dominique from my mom's house on Saturday she made mention that she gave her two weeks notice for her home health care job {aka job where she chatters incessantly with the old people, eat their food and I'm quite sure take their pills}. I looked at her dumbfoundedly and asked why and she said that she's not a quitter that she is moving on and up.

The kids and I all looked at each other and were like "what?". She clarified that she is moving to Fairfield, Kansas {or Iowa or something} to go to school once the van gets out of the shop...because they have a lot to teach her and her them. She rambled on and on about spirituality and clarity and blah blah blah.

Basically, she is joining a cult or some crap. Who knows. But I asked about what she is doing with Dominique and she was like, I'm leaving her here for right now and then will FLY DOWN AND GET HER in a few months. FLY as in HER FLYING A PLANE. She apparently now she has friends who own planes and will let her fly them.

How has she not been declared legally insane? First the roof is melting at her house and now this. Sheesh.

looking up...

2011-11-06T13:15:00.000-06:00

today's photo prompt was from a low angle...I thought I would share a few photos from the impromptu photoshoot I had yesterday with my siblings/kids...In less than 2 hours we have to drop Devon off for boot camp...I can't believe he won't be in our house when we wake up in the morning...

small town football...

2011-11-05T13:09:00.002-05:00

Amazingly being at a football game in my home town is a lot like being at one in good ole Dillon, Texas {please tell me you get this reference lol}.

It's honestly been years since I had made it to a football game {actually it was for our 10 year class reunion, so 5 years ago to be exact}. I didn't watch too much of the game because a) they were winning when we got there just before half-time, but also there were so many people from my past that wanted to catch up.

I miss being part of that community...but then after being there for a few hours I miss being at home...I just am not that town anymore {and clearly wearing heals to a football game since I had just come straight from work kinda made me stand out as an outsider now}.

I cannot tell you how much being at the game made me miss marching band. I wish I could go back just for that. Or the baby pigs being brought to the game...

being green...

2011-11-04T12:52:00.003-05:00

today's prompt was a green photo...sadly not as much green in the picture since we had such a HORRIBLE drought this summer {yes, we are still in it, but we have at least gotten some rain}.

I don't have a whole lot to say today besides asking for prayers for our sweet cat Charlie...he lives outside so I don't talk about him much. I had to take him to the vet yesterday and they don't know if he will make it :( He did well last night {he slept with Devon lol} and has eaten some today. I hope the antibiotics work and make him feel better. He's been with us for 12+ years and everyone in our neighborhood knows him because he likes to go for walks with our girls.

The great news is he seems to be somewhat on the mend {after getting fluids and antibiotics at the vet yesterday}. He has attempted to eat a few times since and isn't as lethargic as he was. I just hope this trend continues...

--------
I wanted to share some green pretties I'm currently drooling over...

Stacking Rings Sterling Silv... KiraFerrer $96.00	Organic stem and leaf neckla... BeadinBabe $38.50	Best Seller for 15 Years Rea... REALBUTTERFLYG... $39.99
Fused Glass Green Bowl of Le... MargieMcNutt $70.00	Jade Green Earrings, Lever B... Cigarboxearrin... $12.95	Jade Green Soap Dish Bonboncreation... $38.00
Carved Jade Rose Flower ring... Gemoriah $45.00	Rainbow Fluorite Silver Spar... StudioEleven11 $18.00	Jade Green Vase with Carved ... marymeestudio $26.00
Opal Jade, green/ametyst gla... liquidgems $17.00	Carved Jade Necklace - Sterl... youandmeandbea... $18.00	Knitted clutch purse jade gr... memake $20.00
Pottery Butterfly Lamp cherylwolff $295.00	Scarf, Triangle Shawl, Neckw... Iovelycrochet $89.00	Gold Chandelier earrings wit... ABoxForMyTreas... $14.00

we could watch it from the clouds...

2011-11-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

I remember as a child playing outside and my cousin and I watching the clouds and daydream or find animals or shapes in them. It was when life was slower. I can't remember the last time I just watched clouds just because. I will check them to see if rain is coming, but never just to loose myself into a dream.

I wonder why, or when, we stop living in the moment. Maybe it's bills or responsibilities, but we stop at some point. I will say that I often wish I could go back to those summer days at my grandma's house sitting in their dirt driveway playing with hot wheels and barbies.

Not a care. Not a worry.

I know that will never happen, but maybe, just maybe I can just stare the clouds and imagine it...

Coffee cup sleeve with cloud... thecozyproject $14.00	stitchin' in the rain retrohipmama $18.00	Sterling silver - Cloud neck... lunahoo $37.00
Thought Bubble on a Stick - ... MaroDesigns $6.95	Handbound journal - screenpr... IndigoInkSpot $28.00	Counting clouds picture madpolka $42.00
Fluffy Cloud Mug 14 oz. KarinLorenc $32.00	Tiny Cloud Ring mxmjewelry $27.00	Little White Clouds Zipper P... SeaPinks $15.00
blue handbound hard covers l... triragis $130.00	Amigurumi Crochet Pattern - ... HomemadeZen $4.50	Tiny Token - Cloud Charm . P... SusiDjewelry $18.00
Necklace with White Cloud lesfrotteurs $14.00	happy rainbow doxie bunnywithatool... $100.00	Sterling Silver Hoop Earring... hartleystudio $59.00

*post title is a jack johnson song

my clothes gremlin...

2011-11-02T09:31:00.002-05:00

Today's photo prompt is "What you wore today" which I am promptly not doing. Why? Because apparently somewhere in my house is a stash of my clothes. Seriously, they have to be somewhere and I have NO CLUE WHERE. They aren't in my room, closet, Gene's closest, the bathroom or in the hamper. NO. WHERE. So the outfit I am wearing is my 6th or 7th choice.

At this point the missing clothes tally is 3 pairs of slacks and 12 dress shirts. Which if you know me, I don't have that many shirts/slacks to begin with. I am having to wear more and more skirts but then I don't have decent tops to wear them and I feel like I'm back to being frump girl. I have to make a Macy's run ASAP because I cannot handle not dressing nice. It's a slippery slope my friends...slippery slope.

Jen seems to think that either my husband is cross dressing. I don't think it's my husband, but I'm am starting to wonder about my brother because funnily enough my clothes didn't go missing before he started living with us. Hmmmmmmm.

oh, hello november...

2011-11-01T15:50:00.001-05:00

Seriously, how is it November already? Didn't this year JUST start? Wasn't my birthday just a few weeks ago? How is time moving forward without me?

Ok, so I'm moving with it, but how in the HELLO KITTY is it moving so fast? I still remember how in high school it was odd that freshman year moved so much slower than senior year...but now it's like time is on crack. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead, I fall that much further behind.

I keep wondering where my weekends go. Between reading, taking photos and having some family time, my weekend is so jammed packed I don't even sleep in {oh but Saturday night I went to bed super early and managed to snag 12 hours of glorious sleep...after a week of 2-3 hours a night it was much needed}.

October was one of the busiest months we had and November is looking even more insane. This month will have even more crazies in it. I will be ever-so-glad when my Erin Condren planner {yes, I jumped on the bandwagon - a coupon/deal with Plum District made it only $17.50 plus shipping so I couldn't pass resist} arrives so I don't feel like I am missing out on things. I am 99% electronic but I need a good-ole fashioned handwritten planner.

This month will have trips to Bre.mond {this weekend} to get my sister {plus have a photoshoot with of the three kids}, Devon leaving for the Navy {holy crap it's MONDAY}, book signings, Texas Renaissance Festival {including camping out there}, another book signing, Thanksgiving, getting ready for Christmas {um, we are like 50something days away}, working {oh yeah, I do work}, and I know I'm missing things {right now only the 3rd weekend of the month isn't hectic}...eek. Hold me.

I'm also wanting to do the NaBloPoMo thing with Suzy with the 30 day photography challenge {one each day} and I need to finish my Memoir posts and since this is NaNoWriMo maybe I should just make it a real book {still published in sections on here}. That would give me the motivation I need to knock it out and honestly, I don't think any book I have read is crazier than my life ;)

So, this month is getting crazier on it's own! Also, could my post be any linkier? I didn't think so.

Here's my first photo for the month...a self portrait. Yay for redlights in the AM ;)

halloween weekend...

2011-10-28T13:04:00.001-05:00

i wanna be crafty...

2011-10-27T08:29:00.001-05:00

{via}

Remember when I bought this crafty armoire? Well, it wound up being too tall to fit upstairs. So, I've been watching for another cabinet/armoire for me to use. It's taken months {ok, almost a year} to find something I liked and would fit...I finally found it!! Maybe now I will utilize all these awesome crafty supplies I have {and yep, I have way more than this now}.

Now, I have to get the guest/craft room {formerly the baby room} in order. I am hoping to work on it some this weekend! I have so much I need to get rid of in that room. I have an old desk that I'm switching out for a sleeker desk that would be more conducive to crafting. I found a PB teen desk on craigslist that I hope to go get this weekend. Now I just need to GET RID of extra furniture and get a larger bed for that room {right now there is a twin bed that my sister sleeps on}.

I am quite excited that this room is going to be taking shape! It's been like this sore spot in my heart every time I walk by the unused room...I am ready to be distracted by being crafty.

{reading wednesday} reality jane...

2011-10-26T12:52:00.000-05:00

Reality Jane
By: Shannon Nering
Source: NetGalley
Purchase: Amazon

GoodReads Description:

Set behind the scenes of America's most popular guilty pleasure--reality TV--Reality Jane delivers a high-spirited, delicious tale of finding love and a career in Hollywood while juggling lipo envy, singlehood angst, and the resounding results of success.

Reality Jane follows Jane Kaufman, a Canadian journalist who, because of a lucky connection, finds herself in LA as a producer on a hot new reality show. Mingling with rock stars, attending Grammy parties, and visiting the Sex Kitten Mansion, Jane sees her new career as a one-way ticket to the big-time! But for a small-town girl thrust into the cutthroat Hollywood scene, 90- hour work weeks, heartless bosses, and superficial womanizers are a rude awakening.

My Thoughts {5 of 5 Stars}:
Reality Jane was such a fun, quick read. A voyeuristic book combined with reality TV made me not want to set this book down. Not since The Assistant's have I thoroughly enjoyed a behind-the-scenes type of book so much.

Jane wants nothing more than to make it big in LA. I loved her naivety and her charm when she first arrived. I felt what she felt throughout the whole book. I loved watching her journey from innocent assistant producer to the career junkie who got her "perfect job".

If the excitement of her job wasn't enough, her personal life is a mess too. I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what she would do next. Would she continue picking the wrong guy? Or finally get her happily ever after.

{treasury tuesday} whoop...

2011-10-25T16:28:00.002-05:00

{Aggie barn outside Reagan}

Growing up near Texas A&M caused me to have a huge love for the Aggies! I will always be an Aggie at heart and I hope that some day I can get my masters from there...heck, even if I never do, I will always be an Aggie. The marching band, the college traditions, the campus...I love it all. I will never forget going to the bonfire and the midnight yell I got to go to in 1996 before the UT/A&M game...it created so many amazing memories...

I thought I would share some aggie etsy love with y'all today...

Aggie Howdy - College Wall E... cjstitchery $18.00	I'll Paint A Plate For Y... TannersTouch $55.00	Texas A&M University maroon ... ByMindyMarie $15.00
Aggie Gig Em Thumb ornament cntrysisters $15.00	Maroon & Silver Wire Wrapped... LEJewelryDesig... $12.00	Texas A and M University Col... UnhungHarps $53.00
Texas Aggies - sterling stam... kjanew $45.00	AGGIES STENCILED BURLAP Pill... BurlapEtc $38.00	Texas Aggies Sports Blocks W... itsablockparty $29.00
Crystallography 201 - Texas ... Accessory4poin... $24.99	bliss things varsity scarf i... blissthings $28.00	Texas - Gig Em - Custom 100%... PamelaFugateDe... $34.95
Whoop tezzaslovetags $30.00	CUSTOM COLLEGE BLOCKS - Aggi... kr112234 $4.50	Texas A&M - College Scarf Wo... FlorasFinest $29.95

{sweet things saturday} candy corn dreams...

2011-10-22T10:16:00.000-05:00

{via}

Can you believe that Halloween is in 9 days. I have yet to decorate outside, but inside my house feels like halloween/fall. I have always loved Halloween. It was the one night a year that I got to get candy. We never had any in our house because it wasn't a necessity. Which is probably why {before the boys} I loved having bowls of candy in the house. With me they can last for months, with Gene {or the boys} not so much.

Candy corn is one of my favorite seasonal candies...I can never eat much of it, but once a year that little candy makes me exceedingly happy, yes, I know how strange that seems. But this little orange, white and yellow candy is in effect proof that my life is no longer my childhood. My life is my own...

Vintage Fabric Hobo/Tote - O... SuzanneBag $75.00	Three Hearts Garden Ornament... merritthyde $16.00	Mixed Orange, Yellow And Whi... AAlovelysister $3.00
Glossy Yellow Lamp with Oran... kmberly84 $35.00	Sterling Silver Necklace - O... ForeverHaunted $18.00	Orange dinosaur stud earring... Bijunea $7.90
8x10 NATURAL pine wood distr... rustymill $24.95	Phoenix Necklace: Antiqued S... martywhitedesi... $37.50	Yellow Bracelet Cuff - FREE ... HotMessMomma $14.50
Silver Leaf Bookmark Colorfu... iuherbalife $13.00	3 Cotton Washcloths - Orange... HoookedBathand... $9.99	SUNNY DISPOSITION (White Win... LachArts $47.00
Halloween Headband tbrummond $12.00	Orange Chrysanthemum Print 1... machelspencePH... $12.99	Beautiful Orange and White S... jeepgrl99 $8.00

my life as a circus...

2011-10-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

{via}

I feel like I am the ringleader of a thirty ring circus and all the acts are relying on me. Most of them don't seem to work well without me...a few can work independently, but most of the time I have to do something to make them work.

Work, home, family, money, me, my marriage, etc, all things that need me to deal with...all things I feel like I'm not handling well. All things I'm feeling completely overwhelmed being in charge of. I'm taking baby steps {yes, like What About Bob?} to each ring, to get everything back on track. I know that number one has to be me...if I get me working, I will be able to more easily work on the other more daunting tasks {hello teenage boys}.

I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, any little thing might tip me over and make me fall...I went to my regular doctor last week and got put back on the meds I was on before we started the whole making a baby journey three years ago {THREE years people}. There is a peace about me right now with calling off the whole trying thing. I can finally regain who I am...who I have wanted to be...

Soon, I hope that my marriage will follow suit...maybe our trapeze act will start working again. I need/want that to be ok again. I miss what we were. He is an amazing person that I just feel like I have grown away from instead of growing too...I feel like we keep missing each others grasp...we need to be back in sync and flying high again...

The boys...I don't know what act fits them best...they are a little of the freak show, the lions or the clown show, which all keeps me on my toes. One boy will be gone a little over two weeks {holy crap}. The other is super needy and needs me to make almost every decision for him...yet cannot take blame for the ones he makes that are crappy. Every bad grade is not his fault. Loosing his shorts {and our house keys} are not his fault. Forgetting to put up dishes or take out the trash, yep, not his fault. It's A LOT.

So much going on...so much I need to figure out...so much...

While I ponder life, look at the pretties I found on Etsy...

Circus print childs play roo... bomobob $30.00	The Circus Is Coming To Town... Mmim $11.00	Red Glitter Mini Top Hat, Bu... JanineBasil $185.00
Pillow Cover Circus Cotton a... JolieMarche $35.00	Ring Me // Contemporary Jewe... RingmeCollecti... $30.00	Carnival Party - Circus Part... frostingandink $20.00
C a r n i v a l - paper & wo... FreshBlissBout... $12.50	Embroidery Hoop Vintage Tigh... SunsetPrintAnd... $24.00	Carnival Photography - Octob... CarlChristense... $125.00
Vintage Pink and Yellow CIRC... pinkpearlstudi... $4.25	Admit One Vintage Ticket Bel... bmused $20.00	Made To Order - Lady Sweet P... MarKhed $70.00
Pierrot Acrobat Necklace mamaslittlebab... $32.00	Small gold plated pewter Car... chrysdesignsje... $17.00	Freak Show Vintage Circus An... KasketKustoms $16.99

{fun with photos} Wings Over Houston...

2011-10-19T09:05:00.002-05:00

I had a lot more fun than I was expecting. Though, a word of advice, if it's hot and sunny and loud, don't go hungover. Guess I didn't realize I had THAT much of the chocolate whipped cream vodka at my neighbors the night before...oops :)

There were a ton of planes {go figure} and even a Pearl Harbor reenactment. Oh, and I apparently had my own paparazzi.

{of note, this didn't even occur at the end of the show...he did this within the first hour of the air show}

waiting on winter...

2011-10-17T21:15:00.001-05:00

{via}

Tomorrow it's supposed to be cooler...like down into the 50s tomorrow night cooler...

I cannot wait.

After a summer in the 100s, I am desiring some cooler weather.

I need cooler weather.

I long for scarves and jackets...I wish for snow {ha}...I am excited to wear boots...

I wish I lived up north where there are actual winters...

Winter Photography, Tree, Sn... irenesuchocki $30.00	Winter Cowl - Circular Scarf... TickledPinkKni... $140.00	Christmas snow in a bottle n... Plushable $8.00
Glitter Candle Holder, Shimm... shimmershoppe $8.00	Crocheted Scarflette Necklac... mississippimud $48.00	Vintage silverware Let it s... BeachHouseLivi... $9.50
Winter Yarn Wreath. Ivory a... HeartfeltYarnW... $43.00	Winter Photo snow art print ... Raceytay $22.50	White Snow Ball Crackle Quar... pepidesigns $32.00
Snowfall - icy winter white ... gbrosseau $20.00	DIVA HAT - Timeless Hand Cro... kanokwalee $58.00	5 Porcelain winter white & p... LaNiqueHOME $19.50
Snowing Again - A Dark-eyed ... mingtaphotogra... $30.00	Winter White Love Birds danceswithclay $50.00	Vintage owl necklace vintage... BlackStar $26.00
Winter White Wool Clutch wit... JennaBelleDesi... $68.00

{sweet things saturday} glorious doxies...

2011-10-15T09:31:00.001-05:00

There is no doubt how much I love dachshunds. I have two and they are the light of my eye...my blog design revolves around them...I want anything/everything dachshund for decor {I will someday be known as crazy doxie lady I'm sure}.

They are my constant in my life. No matter what time I get home, they are happy to see me. It's amazing to walk into the house to such unconditional love. No matter if they got into trouble the night before for chewing up my favorite shoes or having an "accident" in the house. I say "accident" because if Zuker gets MAD she will pop a squat. But that aside, they are amazing. I love doggie cuddles and kisses...how can anyone have a bad night with them around?

Also, anyone want to buy me all these lovelies??

Tiny Dachshund Love Studs in... ANORIGINALJEWE... $44.00	Dachshund Magnet Low Five S... kalyxcraftopia $2.00	Mini Journal - Blue Dachshun... FuzzyMug $8.00
Dachshund Pencil Case - Doxi... persnicketypel... $15.00	Full Size HAPPY DACHSHUND DO... nakeddecor $325.00	2012 Dachshund Desktop Calen... Sudachan $22.00
Dachshund Family Vinyl Wall ... route3studios $14.00	Wiener Dog Plush Dachshund O... blackbirdfashi... $26.00	Dachshund Mug FuzzyTailDesig... $12.00
Richard the reminder dog cha... benfloeter $55.00	Jemma the Dachshund Leather ... leatherprince $45.50	White Dachshund No.12 from A... ponypaintings $60.00
Sterling Silver Dachshund Do... MarKhed $70.00	Dachshund Tote Bag - Doxie i... persnicketypel... $24.00	Doxie Longbody Dachshund Dog... artbyljgrove $9.95

weekend preview...

2011-10-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

alone...

2011-10-12T09:02:00.001-05:00

Right now I'm trying to put into words what I'm feeling/needing. The complex answer is I want to be happy. The simple answer is I want to be alone.

Alone.

I feel like no one gets this. I would love to spend my evenings in my room on the computer or reading a book. Though, I know this isn't possible since I have two teenaged boys I need to deal with when I get home. Two teenage boys.

Life with them is a challenge. They are similar yet so very different. Right now we are at less than a month until Devon leaves for boot camp. All summer he was supposed to find a job to do till then...did he? No. Now I get so frustrated when I get home and know all he has done all day is play ruinscape or WoW or whatever. I know he is about to get a culture shock when he is shipped out, but right now I'm at my breaking point...seriously it's like pulling teeth to get him to do anything...exercise, chores, listen.

Denver is about 9 weeks into school here and he spends most nights doing homework till bed time. Believe me I'm thankful because Devon wouldn't do any homework. He does help out some, but it's random right now since Devon is doing most of the chores until he leaves. Last night, he informed me that his shorts were stolen at school. Seriously not even joking here. After a long conversation of how exactly this happened he finally got to the part about OUR HOUSE KEYS BEING IN THE SHORTS. I'm livid. I'm frustrated. He surprisingly made it through the night without me murdering him. I know it was an accident, but after our house was burglarized a few years ago I am now freaking out that there could be a repeat performance.

Then Gene came home and I gave him the lowdown on the whole stolen shorts thing and he gave me this look...like 'oh well'. I think he was mad, but who really knows. I'm not sure what he was expecting from me, but he was like 'oh I am sorry you had a bad day' so matter-of-factly like it didn't matter. Then he goes to do something and when he comes back to the room to go to bed he turns out the light. While I'm reading. Again there was the 'oh sorry'. I hate that 'oh'. It happens more and more.

I just want to be left alone. I will tell y'all I had the most amazing weekend when I went to Austin. I was alone. Alone on the drive. Alone in the hotel. Alone at a fancy dinner. Alone. It was glorious.

I came home and missed the solitude.

I feel horrible that I crave something different. I feel guilty that I have fun by myself. I feel like I should want to be with the family...

a cool title to make you click over...

2011-10-10T19:32:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. Mine was pretty decent. Friday night I hung out with a couple friends and kicked some butt at putt putt and monopoly. Saturday we chilled out most of the day. Sunday it rained. In Houston. It was glorious. We decided to go and hang out at the mall. We had a super fun time, especially when I got sucked into the Bella Terra cosmetic's chick stand. This chick seriously had to have hypnotized me. 99% of the time I walk right past those people with just saying "no thank you"...her, she entranced me. I walked away with craploads of stuff...like, I checked out THREE TIMES. THREE.

But hey, I did need new makeup so I guess it all worked out :)

Sunday night and all day today {yep suckers, we had off today} I worked on redesigning my blog. It's not 100% done, but I am loving it. I am still working on all the new pages I added, and some of the old ones, but the design is live. If you had my blog button, it should automatically be the new one, if you don't have it, feel free to come grab it. But for reals, click over and see my new look. Hopefully you like it as much as me!

{sweet things saturday} a little hope...

2011-10-08T07:38:00.000-05:00

{via}

For me, hope means something new...it's no longer hope for a baby or a family of my own...hope now means a future. Hope means finding what truly makes me happy. Hope means faith that God will provide.

Of course, first, I need to figure out what exactly I want in my life before I can know what exactly it is to have hope in...though I know I really should let go and let God have control...but letting go is the hardest thing to do...maybe someday I'll get the strength to let go...

White Shabby Chic Distressed...
RivalryTime
$39.99
Hope is the thing - vinyl wa...
OldBarnRescueC...
$34.00
Sterling Silver Bird Charm, ...
LisaMichelePro...
$39.00
Scripture Art, HOPE: for I k...
hiddeninheart
$35.00
a little hope around my neck
prettylittleme
$26.00
SALE- Sterling Silver Hope B...
TheSilverBouti...
$30.00
Cross Stitch Word, Embroider...
RustBeltGaller...
$8.00
Hope is an Anchor to the Sou...
redletterwords
$55.00
Hope - 3 - Mini art feeling ...
ArtMind
$46.00
HOPE original drawing art pr...
EphemeraAndMor...
$10.00
Pomegranate, Moonstone and H...
starzjewelry
$26.95
Vintage Bird on a Decorative...
Mazix
$1.00
HOPE Dictionary Definition S...
theadoptshoppe
$12.00
HOPE Shabby Chic Cottage Sig...
NelsonsGifts
$21.00
a "Hope Perches in the ...
RosieGirlArt
$4.75

{my memoirs} kicking the old man...

2011-10-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

Today's installment is shorter than the rest mainly because this part is so pivotal that I couldn't bare for it to get lost in the other madness. I replay this night over and over again all the time. One day I will let go of it, maybe sharing this part of the story will help...in case you missed it, you can read previous parts here {part 1} and here {part 2}.

Now on to today's installment...

-------

Remember that sweet old couple who lived below us? Well, their granddaughter was probably 3 or 4 and while my mom was out, a lot of times they would watch me. Most of the time I don’t remember having people at the house to make sure I ate or took a bath or slept, but this sweet old couple would make sure I was ok.

This fateful night it was sunset and I was sitting on the stairs with their granddaughter coloring. When my mother got home, drunk, with her friend, the grandparents were outside sitting in chairs on their patio talking to us. My mom starts yelling and barreling insults at the grandparents telling them that they are trash for not having me in bed yet. Mind you, I don’t remember ever having a bed time. My mom was just blitzed out of her mind and decided to take it out on this poor couple. She did not stop yelling at them as she yanked me up and made me go upstairs. She was still cursing as she went inside our apartment. Her friend tried to calm her down, but my mom was having none of this.

Some time later she was still mad and decided to go downstairs and yell at them some more. I was still not in bed (I still have no clue why she was so mad when she got home) and took off. Her friend tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen. We both followed her outside, I was crouching on the stairs to look between the slats as she was banging on their door. The grandpa opened the door (I wish he hadn’t) and my mom kicked the man, hard. He feel backwards into their console tv and was out cold. I was crying, my mom’s friend ran to call an ambulance, the grandma and her grandchild happened to just be walking up the sidewalk and both started yelling. I will never forget the look on that girl’s face...it haunts me still.

The rest of the evening is a big blur for me. I know that my mom’s friend whisked me away to another friend’s apartment. My mom was there dealing with the cops. I wasn’t allowed to see my mom when she showed up at the other apartment. CPS was called and I went to a foster home for some time...I’m not sure how long I was there, but it was at least a few days.

Next thing I remember was being in front of a judge in his chambers with both sets of grandparents and my dad (who until this point I had not had much contact with). My mom wasn’t there at what wound up being a custody hearing for me. Not until years ago did I find out that she wasn’t told when it was, though part of me finds it hard to believe. I cannot imagine a court not notifying her, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised. That day I remember the judge making sure I knew that I wouldn’t be living with my mother any longer...that one of my grandparents would be taking custody of me.

I am not sure why my father didn’t try and get custody of me...honestly I’ve always been afraid to ask him for fear it will be yet another thing I would have to be disappointed about him about. But my mom’s parents wound up with physical custody of me, later I will realize it was less about me and more about the social security benefits I was getting. So, I was uprooted and moved back to the tiny town where both sets of grandparents lived.

{to be continued...monday...}

check your sources...

2011-10-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

sometimes I'm jealous about teenagers having the internet to do research on papers, topics, etc....but then, I see things like this and it puts it all into perspective. At least encyclopedias don't jack with you {though wikipedia can and will - it's not a valid source, even if my teenage brothers think so}.

{via}

PS - come check out my review of The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson on my book blog

{my memoirs} sugar daddies and whatnot...

2011-10-05T06:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure if this is "technically" a memoir, but it is my life, unedited, unreal sounding, but so very, very true. You can read part one here.

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It was after that that my life started unraveling. My mom was pretty much set off into this downward spiral. Soon, instead of taking care of me, partying became a priority. Drinking and drugs seemed to become a staple in everyday living.

I don’t think it started out that way. I remember during my kindergarten year, things were not horrible yet. At this point, I remember us living in a house with a friend of hers who had a boa constrictor. Random memory I know, but honestly I loved that thing. Where we lived, you could see my school. I remember my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Gizelbach (pronounced Gigglebox). I remember watching the solar eclipse during lunch one day. I remember learning how to ride a bike and even how that halloween I tripped because my eyeholes in my mask weren’t big enough for me to see through.

That Christmas started my desire to snoop and find out what I’m getting. Don’t get me wrong, I do love being surprised, but a huge part of me has to know. I searched the house and I found this weird little dollhouse at the top of my mom’s closet. It was the only thing I found, but I knew it was for me of course. We wound up at some random house for Christmas. I will never forget that Christmas since it was the Christmas I stopped believing in Santa. Yep, at five years old.

They shipped me upstairs to go to sleep around 11 or so on Christmas Eve. I wasn’t able to sleep. I could hear them all downstairs talking and laughing and drinking. At some point after midnight one of the fools decided to march up and down the hallway with keys stomping and pretending to be Santa. Oh, not before one of the brilliant people came into my room to warn me that Santa was seen in the neighborhood. Yeah, how awesome were they? I guess drunk people shouldn’t be allowed to play Santa. So then they get me to go downstairs and of course the dollhouse thing I had found was one of the gifts.

I think sometime after the new year was when my mom started working at Sugars, a high end strip club in Austin. I’m not really sure when it happened, but I know she was working there for a while. One reason I know she worked there is because I would wind up going there with her. I know there weren’t official “take your daughter to work days” but she would still take me up there with her. A five year old in a strip club...classy right?

The great thing thing about hanging out in strip clubs is that an early age I got to play with gold dots. Seriously, I know that sounds odd, but they were everywhere...home, the car and at my mom’s work. To me, at the time, they were just gold stickers, now they represent everything that was wrong with my childhood, or lack thereof.

I honestly don’t know if I even finished my kindergarten year at that school, heck, I don’t even know if I finished it at any school. My mom moved us to some apartment complex. I remember that complex pretty well. We lived on the second floor above this sweet little old couple that had a granddaughter who was either three or four. Here complex is where things started to go horribly, horribly wrong...

I loved running around the complex in my jelly shoes...playing with other kids all day and night...swimming in the pool without adult supervision. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some time I had adults watching me, I’m guessing my friend’s parent’s were the ones who kept out an eye on me.

I remember coming home from spending the night at a friend’s house (I’m 5 or 6 at this point) and walking up the staircase to a broken window. I’ll never forget it since I feared the worst. I knew something was wrong, something terrible had happened. I banged on the door and my mom, who had a bandaged up arm answered it. Apparently she “lost” her keys the night before and the sensible thing to do was break into our house.

I will never forget the night my mom slapped me. She had dropped me off at some guy friend’s house for me to stay at while she worked. While there we were watching TV, and for some reason I remember that there was some show on Playboy TV that was like an obstacle course game show. Random I know. But to my 5-6 year old self (who didn’t think twice about seeing half naked women, hello strippers!) I was curious. It was a fun game show. I think the guy changed it pretty quickly after it was on the tv. Looking back I have no clue how it even wound up on tv to start with, but it did. For some reason that night after my mom came and picked me up, either drunk or high or both, she apparently found out that I “liked” that show (really, how much could a 5 year old really like it) she got pissed off at me and slapped me for “embarrassing” her. This was now my life.

I won’t say that everything was horrible, in fact there were times were we did have lots of fun. Most of the fun times revolved around her “dates” who deemed it appropriate to try and win me over too. One such night I remember we were both painting our finger and toe nails before a night out. Her date showed up with some toys from Whataburger for me, they were these cute bears with random football teams on them. He took us in a limo to one of those gran prix places. It’s random that I remember that night...but this guy was also the one who took us to Colorado. Apparently he was one of my mom’s best customers, aka her “sugar daddy” and when he decided to leave his wife for my mom, she bailed. I’m telling y’all I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Some fun times I remember with my mom were going with her to Barton Creek. During that time they had a room near the bathrooms where you could sunbathe topless. I strangely have memories of having to be in that room for hours while my mom got a tan. On the way to or from Barton Creek we would stop at a Dairy Queen for ice cream. It’s amazing that as I remember this, but it perfectly illustrates my mom. One occasion we pulled in and she got two cones, one for her and one for me. I had this thing about the top of the cone, the curly-q, that was my favorite part. This day, she decided that she wanted to eat the top of the cone before handing it to me. I was livid and all she did was laugh. I know it seems trivial looking back that I got so upset, but it was just another example of her selfishness.

I have always laughed when people would talk about how great Sixth Street was. I laughed not because I didn’t believe them, but because I know, or more appropriately I knew. I can’t usually tell them how I knew it was a happening place, since I was six when I would hang out there. Yes, at the age of six my mother had me with her going from bar to bar while every man in the bar tried to pick her up. I promise that’s not an exaggeration. My mom was gorgeous back then. Before all the drugs, alcohol and her lifestyle caught up to her. I would sit at the bar while all the guys looking to score with my mom bought me Shirley Temples...I wonder if this is the subconscious reason I do not like maraschino cherries now.

I don’t remember much about my first grade year in Austin except for riding the Frog bus to Met’s Elementary. I don’t remember much about that school, but years later I remember watching Unsolved Mysteries and they were talking about my elementary school! Apparently when they were trying to level the school all the ghosts were stopping the bulldozers and writing things on the challkboards. I remember when I watched this I freaked out thinking my soul was still in that school...my grandma laughed and explained it to me that my soul is still mine until I died, who knew?

The main reason I don’t remember much about my first grade year in Austin is because I wasn’t there long. Sometime shortly after school started is when my world imploded...

{to be continued}

{tv tuesday} what I'm still watching...

2011-10-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

A few weeks into the new season, I thought I would share my thoughts on the shows I've been watching and the ones I've already given up on...

{monday}

Hart of Dixie {cwtv} - still seems a LOT like Doc Hollywood with a girl and wine. I've watched the first episode only and find it odd, but fun. Gotta love that the ex-super bowl player who is now mayor and has the new town doctor living on the land.

The Playboy Club {nbc} -gave up on it. Never even watched the first episode.

Two Broke Girls {cbs} - still up in the air about this. I wish it would be funnier, but who knows, maybe it'll hit it's groove...

{tuesday}

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEE {fox}- First two episodes were very "eh" to me. I have read that tonight's episode is supposed to be amazing. We shall see.

Last Man Standing {abc} - haven't watched yet.

Man Up {abc} - ditto above.

New Girl {fox} - the pilot was pretty darn funny. THEN they switch out Coach?!?! Without explanation. Do they seriously think that the audience isn't smart enough to realize that they are too different guys? Seriously Fox? Y'all suck.

Raising Hope {fox} - the first episode this season was just "ok". I haven't watched last week's yet. I am hoping it'll pick up steam.

{wednesday}

Survivor {cbs} - this show is still brilliant. I think it's hilarious that little Hantz is such a freaking moron when it comes to game play. He wants to not be his uncle but the lying, the deceiving totally a Russell move. Cannot wait for this week's episode.

Suburgatory {abc} - first episode was sorta cute. It definitely was not my favorite, but it does look promising.

I Hate my Teenage Daughter {fox} - haven't watched yet. Anyone see it?

America's Next Top Model {cwtv} - this show is surprisingly dull. It had amazing characters and the show is just dwindling it to the usual drivel it is. I had such amazing hopes for this season. I hope it picks up soon.

{thursday}

Big Bang Theory {cbs} - favorite show ever. Seriously how fantastic has this season already kicked off to be? The right amount of crazy and the right amount of drama!!

Grey's Anatomy {abc} - this show has been fantastic already!!! I love that they haven't magically made everything better already. 3 hours into this season and there is so much drama still! Eek.

Private Practice {abc} - sadly haven't watched yet. Watching asap.

Community {nbc} - the first episode was quite odd. I don't know why

The Office {nbc} - Andy is the boss? I thought it would be disastrous, but he has been making it work. Also, little pregs and big pregs? Comic genius. Seriously cannot believe Angela called CPS because Pam drank caffeine. She is crazy.

How to be a Gentleman {cbs} - nope. not watching this one either.

Whitney {nbc} - wound up not being able to even attempt this one.

{friday}

Kitchen Nightmares {fox} - watched the season opener...Gordon is surprisingly less yelling.

{sunday}

Once Upon a Time {abc} - not watching...too many other shows.

Pan Am {abc} - LOVE this show. Haven't watched this past weeks yet, but the first episode was brilliant.

{added}

Terra Nova {fox} - I surprised myself in checking out this show. I have watched the first hour of the season opener and I have to say I am rather enjoying it. I hope to finish the first episode and move on to the second before I fully make up my mind

What shows have you enjoyed this season? Any show disappoint you?

{my memoirs} alka-seltzer is not 7-up...

2011-10-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

So, when I pulled into Austin a plethora of emotions and memories enveloped me. It overwhelmed me. So much so that I had go ahead and write them all down. Get it all out there...the good, the bad and the ugly. Most of it ugly, but there was some good in the beginning. I'm not sure how many parts this will wind up being...most will be much shorter than this one, but I couldn't really find a logical place to stop.

-----

It's amazing to me how something as simple as driving down I-35 in Austin can stir up so many memories. Some good. But most, not so good. Most of what I went through will probably sound made up, but I promise you it is real...very, very real. I have the emotional scars to prove it.

My earliest recollection of being there was when I was three or four. I know at most people don't recall memories from that early in life, but I remember very clearly two distinct events. One was being babysat by my stepdad's parents and the other was his tragic death.

I remember my mom being happy...something I can't say happened much after I was four. During this time my mom seemed to have her act together. Married to Rodney, living a normal life, no drugs, no alcohol, no stripping, all of which would change within two short years. By the time I'm in the middle of the first grade her life will have snowballed into something that many lifetime movies are made of, sex, lies, drugs, abuse, and I'm not even sure that is the half of it.

From the earliest memory I knew my mom was in love with Rodney. I'll only know this now because she told me within the last year, but she was even going to have a child with him (to only have lost it late in the pregnancy). She was happy. I'm guessing I was too...I don't remember much about our day to day life.

I do know my mom didn't have the best relationship with her inlaws. From the little I remember about them watching me, they didn't seem to care for me much. Which I guess I can understand, their precious son married some woman with a child...who would be happy with that? OK, so most families might not mind, but for some reason they did mind. They seemed to take out their resentment on me.

I remember two distinct events with them. Both of which do not let them come off like caring adults, but they did raise Rodney and from everything I remember, he was a great man who did love me. They, however, had me drink Alka-Seltzer not for an upset stomach, but because they thought it would be funny. They told me it was 7-up...it was not. They stole diamond earrings off my ears while I slept. They apparently were not fans of mine...

I don’t remember seeing them after Rodney was killed, I also don’t remember most of the events leading up to his death. What I do remember is being in the front seat of my mom’s car following Rodney home. I remember stopping at a stop sign and waiting to turn right. He had already turned. By the time we turned, he was already killed. He was hit by some random person who hadn’t been paying attention and ran into him. He was dead before we pulled up on the accident scene. I occasionally get flashes of that scene. I don’t remember much about it. But I do remember standing on the hood of our car screaming. Somehow we made it home. Somehow we made it through it.

My mom miraculously made it through this tragedy without going completely insane. She had lots of friends who we hung out with and stayed with while the grieving process happened. Sometime later she met Robert. He never officially became my dad, but he was there for me like one. He too was a motorcycle man, you would think my mother would have steered clear of that, but apparently she was a glutton for punishment. I remember riding through Austin on the front of his motorcycle and my mom being behind him. Something I’m quite sure is illegal now. I remember random things from my time with him, swimming at his parent’s house in Corpus or hanging out at Barton Creek riding the little train or just riding around on his motorcycle. Random thoughts that just hit me from time to time.

I’m not sure exactly how long we had Robert for...I do know that they had been together for quite a while. It was in the summer, my mom was wearing denim overalls (I’m not sure how or why I remember that detail). We were at a BBQ at one of their friends house. I remember the green grass, I remember everyone being happy, I remember the amazingly great mood people were in. I am quite sure that alcohol had something to do with that. One thing that my mom did tell me later was that Robert wasn’t a drinker, and surprisingly she wasn’t either during this time.

So there we were, at this party, my mom and Robert were needing to make a cigarette run. I remember her coming to the backyard to tell me she was leaving. But for some strange reason, Robert left without her (on his motorcycle). She wound up hanging with us in the backyard upset. Not too long after he left there were sirens in the air...somehow, someway my mom knew something was terribly wrong. Soon one of their friends came to get my mom, she went down to the scene of the accident, which wasn’t more than two blocks from where we were. Some old lady who wasn’t supposed to be driving ran into him. He wasn’t dead when she got there. She told me years later that when she was holding his hand he seemed to do better, but when she didn’t he would deteriorate. As they were loading him to take him away, they refused to let my mom ride with them to the hospital...he died on the way there. She believes it’s their fault even to this day.

{to be continued...}

austin teen book festival...

2011-09-30T12:17:00.001-05:00

I'm off to the Teen Book Festival today!

I've been a book-gettin' fool lately, go see what I've gotten this past week on Nuttier Reads!

my forbidden two letter word...

2011-09-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

It's a simple word. No. Two letter with a huge impact. No. Why can't I say it to people?

I was talking to someone yesterday and they lovingly got onto me for my lack of saying no to people. I try. But I just don't like making people mad at me. I have this need to feel useful and by saying "no" I am failing them and myself.

Why? No clue. I can tell other people to tell people no, but for some reason I cannot say that word when it comes to my life.

For example, this weekend I have been planning for a LONG TIME to go to the Austin Teen Book Festival, but then I get texts from BOTH of my brothers that their dad wants me to meet him at our halfway point on Friday night. Do I tell them to tell him no? No. Do I tell them to have him meet me at a time more convenient for me? No. Do I tell them to have him come to Houston to PICK THEM UP? No.

What do I do? Say ok, get very passive aggressive, bitch and moan, everything BUT tell their dad no. I'm sorry, but HE IS THEIR DAD. We are RAISING THEM. We GAVE HIM GAS MONEY ALL SUMMER TO MEET US HALFWAY. We BUY THEM (and my sister) EVERYTHING THEY NEED.

But I still do not say "no". Seriously people, what is wrong with me? Why can I not stand up for myself and make my plans important?

It's simple, I'm a pushover. I have been for years. How do I stop this? Can I stop saying yes all the live long day?

UGH. I don't think I ever will...

{wordless wednesday} i heart books...

2011-09-28T12:07:00.004-05:00

{I need this print from ParadaCreations on Etsy}

ps. don't forget to join my new book blog...you know you want to.

{book review} the mephisto covenant...

2011-09-27T12:24:00.000-05:00

Originally published at:

----------------

Series	The Mephisto Covenant #1
Genre	Young Adult - Paranormal Romance
Source	NetGalley
Publisher	EgmontUSA
Format	Kindle Edition
Buy it

GoodReads Summary	Sasha is desperate to find out who murdered her father. When getting the answer means pledging her soul to Eryx, she unlocks a secret that puts her in grave danger—Sasha is Anabo, a daughter of Eve, and Eryx’s biggest threat. A son of Hell, immortal, and bound to Earth forever, Jax looks for redemption in the Mephisto Covenant—God’s promise he will find peace in the love of an Anabo. After a thousand years, he’s finally found the girl he’s been searching for: Sasha. With the threat of Eryx looming, Jax has to keep Sasha safe and win her over. But can he? Will Sasha love him and give up her mortal life?

My Thoughts:
Wow.

This book was unbelievably amazing. I finished the book with tears in my eyes. I reread the last couple of pages because the ending was just THAT GOOD.

I have to say the entire time I was rooting for Sasha and Jax. I was rooting for them individually, to become the person that they were destined to be...to become the person that everyone else saw that they were...to become something unbelievably great.

The book definitely kept me on my toes and would throw curve ball after curve ball at me and I loved every minute of it. I will say {without spoiling it too much} that Chris made me so sad. I totally wasn't expecting what he did.

Sasha's journey from a "normal" teen to discovering she was an Anabo to figuring out the Mephisto Covenant was amazing. Yes, there were things you expected to happen, but so much that you weren't planning on that kept the story moving.

My Rating:

I received an ebook from the publisher for an honest review

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